


Open Up Said The World At The Door

by Sashataakheru



Series: Flowers In The Rain AU [3]
Category: The Move RPF
Genre: Fame, Gay Bashing, Homophobia, Hospitalisation, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Recovery, Suicidal References, Violence, alternate universe: transgender, coming out in public, community: queer bigbang, physical injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:31:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kissing Bev on stage and coming out to the assembled masses at the first Isle of Wight festival in August 1968 was not exactly what Trevor had planned to do. Once the dust settles, and he realises what he's done, everything suddenly becomes very serious. The fallout is not pleasant, and it shakes the band to their core, leaving them unsure if they can even continue as they face hatred and arrest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for queer_bigbang 2013. Not wholly historically accurate. Some details and locations changed for convenience. Have filled in missing band canon with guestimations and extrapolations, and a good dose of Making Shit Up. Follows in directly from 'Flowers In The Rain'; you might want to read it if you want to know the details of the kiss and how it happens.

_Isle of Wight, September 1st, 1968_  
Banging on the side of the van woke them far earlier than they'd wanted. Bev and Trevor lay tangled in each other's arms in the back, wondering who might be trying to talk to them. Neither were inclined to wake. Bev just groaned and tried to will his headache away while Trevor slept on, oblivious. As bright light streamed in, Bev buried his head under his coat, looking away. He felt the footsteps shaking the van as someone entered, then their hand falling on his shoulder, shaking him.

"Bev, c'mon, we gotta get moving. The cops are coming for you," a voice rasped in his ear.

It was enough to wake him and he sat up to see Carl kneeling before him. He nudged Trevor in the ribs, knowing this was serious. "What's going on, then?"

"Don't you even remember what happened last night? You and Trev? Word got 'round about the kiss, and word is, they're coming to arrest you," Carl said.

Bev felt his stomach drop. He nudged Trev again, and this time, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. Gazing vacantly at Carl, Trevor wasn't sure he'd heard what he'd said.

"Charlie, man, tell me yer just joking. Yer just messing about, yeah?" Trevor said, not quite awake.

Carl didn't look like he was joking. "Allen got a message from Wilf. He heard 'em say they're coming for you. He can get us off the island, though, before they get here, but we've got to leave now."

"What's he gonna do, then? Fly us off the island?" Bev said.

"I'll explain as we go, but come on, there's a car waiting. Grab what you absolutely can't live without, and leave the rest for the crew to look after. Allen and the crew will bring it back home for us," Carl said.

Realising the gravity of the situation, they capitulated.

"Alright, alright, we're coming. Jesus," Trevor cursed as he grabbed his coat.

* * *

Carl led them to another van parked nearby and ushered them in the back. Roy was already there, and he looked pale and scared. Jeff wasn't there, though, and Bev idly wondered if he was being left behind to make his own way back. Bev would appreciate his absence, though. He wasn't keen to spend the trip back with Jeff monopolising Roy's attention.

"You alright, Roy?" Bev asked as he sat down beside him.

Roy just shook his head and glanced off into the distance. He pulled a rug tight around him and tried to settle. Bev wasn't sure if he was just being Roy, or if there really was some serious danger coming their way. He didn't speak.

"Dunno what he's worried about. It's not like they're coming to arrest him, is it?" Trevor said. "And anyway, at least it ain't bloody spooks again. Last thing I need right now is MI5 breathing down my neck. Cops, I can deal with."

Bev turned to him. "Just shut it, will you, Trev? This isn't helping."

Trevor took his hint and dropped the subject. "Where are we going anyway? London?"

Carl nodded. "There'll be another van waiting for us once we get back to the mainland. As long as we go straight to London, we shouldn't be in too much trouble. But keep your heads down, will you? I don't want us arrested along the way. We might all end up in gaol if that happens."

That seemed to shut everyone up. The muddy field that had once been filled with music and screaming kids was now more like a camping ground, littered with tents and rubbish. Bev noticed the sun hanging low in the sky; it was earlier than he thought it was, though seeing how still the field was, he wasn't surprised. No one was about now. They were either partying elsewhere, or fast asleep. Not even the guard at the gates and his Alsatian were there to see them leave. As they turned out onto the street, they left the festival behind, hoping no one would follow them, at least for a while.

* * *

No one spoke as they drove along the empty streets. Roy sat there, staring off into space. Bev was half-asleep, with Trevor not far behind him. Carl felt he ought to be asleep, too, except he felt someone needed to be awake to corral the rest of the band. In some ways, he felt their escape was something of an overreaction to the situation. A kiss was a kiss, after all. It wasn't like they'd shagged on stage in front of everyone. At the same time, he knew it was unlikely to be ignored forever, and getting back to London might be the thing that saves them. They were defenceless on their own. They needed to get back to London, to their manager, and maybe bring in some lawyers, just in case. 

It wasn't as if this was the first time they'd had a run in with the police. Carl was pretty sure they'd been called in at least half the times they'd ever performed at The Marquee Club, for reasons as varied as quelling riots and because Carl had set the stage on fire again. Some of the stunts Secunda had sent them on also caught the attention of the police, but he'd always been there to usher them away to safety. He wasn't there now, and Carl wasn't sure he'd feel at ease until he was. He'd know what to do. He always knew how to handle situations like this.

The difference, Carl decided, was that they'd never actually been arrested before. Threatened with it, certainly, but they'd so far avoided it. Carl wasn't so sure they'd avoid it this time. He just hoped they didn't have any evidence of Bev and Trevor's kiss from the night before. If they had nothing, they couldn't prosecute. But if there was any proof it had happened, they might be in serious trouble.

They drove to Bembridge Airport, where they found Wilf and a small plane was waiting for them. Wilf greeted them warmly as he welcomed them aboard. He was a large man, not the sort you messed with, but he still had a smile for his old friends. Trevor was pleased to see him, knowing they were in safe hands.

"Man, am I glad to see you," Trevor said as he climbed aboard.

"Don't you worry, lads, I'll get you outta here. Secunda's orders. Jump in. We ain't got much time," Wilf said, managing to sound cheerful in spite of the danger.

"How's Tony know about this already?" Trevor said.

"He's got his ways. He called me as soon as he heard, and told me to get you back to London as soon as possible. I haven't slept all night. It's a good thing I ain't flying this thing," Wilf said.

Once they were strapped in, and the plane ready for take-off, they began their journey back to London. Trevor was still a little tired, but the prospect of flying had given him an adrenalin boost, and he quite happily waved the island behind as they took off, feeling somewhat better about the situation they'd got themselves into.

They landed near Salisbury, where Wilf handed them over to his mate, Colin, who was waiting to drive them back to London. Carl was pleased to see him, at any rate, and even Roy cheered up a little, knowing they'd be alright. Certainly, Bev was sure he wouldn't have left the plane if a stranger had been waiting for them, but the comfort of knowing Wilf and his friends were taking care of them made the horrid situation slightly more bearable.

It was possibly the tensest journey they'd ever made as the van snaked its way through the countryside back to London. Speed was prioritised, and they generally stuck to the motorways, making as direct a route as possible. Inside, no one spoke. Bev and Trevor were hidden at the back under some blankets, just in case anyone saw them. There were no other windows save the windscreen, and the driver and passenger side doors.

They stopped somewhere. Bev didn't get out to find out where. He shifted a little, trying to give himself a little more space, but Trevor was fast asleep beside him, and taking up more space than Bev liked. His legs ached, but he wasn't confident it would be safe to go outside. Maybe it would never be safe again, not that it ever had been before.

Hidden away in the darkness, all Bev could do was think about what had happened, and hope he wouldn't get sent to gaol for it. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong, but when the police weren't on your side, just because you were gay, he wasn't sure they'd see it that way. He shivered.

He felt he might not have been so scared if he'd just been gay, but he knew they'd find out about his body, that he was a transsexual, and he discovered that this was the one time he did not wish to look male, because he wasn't sure he'd survive if he was sent to prison. It was too much of a secret to tell, though, and in that moment, he prayed to God, if He existed, hoping He might save him from being bashed to death.

* * *

_London_  
Night was fast approaching by the time the van arrived at Secunda's flat in London. It had been a very, very long day, and if Bev hadn't been so frightened, perhaps he'd have been tired. But as he sat up, trying to see if it was safe to get out, all he felt was scared. Trevor, too, looked less confident than Bev hoped.

"Is it safe? Charlie, can we leave yet?" Bev whispered.

Carl looked back at them. "Not yet. There's a pack of journalists and police cars out front. Colin's trying to find a back way in."

"Shit."

It was only ten minutes, but Bev felt it lasted a lifetime. Carefully navigating the backstreets and lane ways, they finally found a secluded way round the back, slipping in past the mob waiting for them. Tony was there to meet them, and he ushered them in quickly, telling them to go upstairs and stay away from the front windows. Colin was sent back to the front to make a distraction.

Hurrying up the stairs, there was a bedroom at the back of the flat where they all congregated, sitting on the floor out of sight of the windows, hoping they were safe. Roy still looked pale and frightened, and he still hadn't spoken a word. Carl tried to provide some sort of moral support, but everyone was scared, and no one knew what to do.

When the sound of other male voices came from downstairs, Trevor panicked and pulled Bev with him under the bed, not wishing to be found.

"Oh, god, I'm underage, Bev. Y'know, with that new law last year. I just realised - god they'll kill you for that. I thought they'd just bait me, but they'll go after you, Bev. They'll go after you," Trevor whispered, frantic.

Bev held him as best he could, trying to calm him down. "Just be quiet, will you? Do you want them to find you?"

Trevor clutched on to him. "God, no. But - Bev, it won't just be about the kissing. They'll know my age. I'm nineteen. I ought to be able to shag anyone I want, but they won't let me. You'll be in so much trouble for this. They might want to go with sexual assault or rape."

Bev put his hand over Trevor's mouth. "Just - shut the fuck up, will you? We'll worry about that later. Calm down. They might not charge us with anything. We might get lucky."

Taking a moment to breathe, Trevor did his best to calm himself down. Bev was right. He wasn't doomed just yet. Secunda might get them out of it like they'd got out of the Wilson thing. But as they lay there together, listening to the voices below, Trevor wasn't entirely sure about that.

They hid all night. No one dared leave the room in case it gave away their presence. The police hadn't come for them, but that didn't offer much comfort. Trevor couldn't stop worrying they'd add resisting arrest to their list of charges once they finally got their hands on them, and wondered if perhaps they'd have been better off just handing themselves in, rather than escaping back to London.

By the time dawn came, Roy and Trevor were the only ones still awake. Bev and Carl were sharing the double bed, too exhausted to stay awake any longer. Roy was too wired, too afraid, to sleep. Trevor just wasn't tired, not anymore. He'd sent Roy down to get coffee, but Roy had refused to go, not wanting to get caught. Instead, Trevor was forced to creep down as quietly as he could and avoid being seen.

The house was eerily silent, and while he could still glimpse some of the press waiting out the front, he wasn't sure he could see police cars, which either meant they had left them alone, or were going to come back later. Either way, Trevor hoped he had a chance to get about in the house without letting them know he was there.

Entering the kitchen, he made sure all the curtains were drawn just in case someone decided to sneak around the back before he flicked on the kettle. He wouldn't have dared go check on the front windows, but he assumed Tony wasn't that much of an idiot and made sure they were drawn. Indeed, he even noticed a blanket had been hung over the front door, presumably to prevent anyone seeing them as they came downstairs. It didn't mean Trevor would move about freely now, but he would at least breathe a little easier.

Roy joined him a few minutes later, not willing to be alone. He leant against the bench, arms folded close to his chest. Trevor observed him as he grabbed a mug from the cupboard.

"You alright? Want a cuppa, then?" Trevor asked, glancing over at him. He kept his voice soft, not wanting to be overheard.

Roy nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great. It's too quiet up there. Thought I'd come down and keep you company."

Trevor smiled as he grabbed another mug. "I think you're really after my company, but thanks."

There was silence as Trevor made them some tea and a little breakfast, and they retreated back upstairs to eat. There was another sitting room on the back side of the flat, and with only a lamp lit to light the darkened room, they sat there together, trying to forget this wasn't like all the other times they'd done this.

"Why'd you get so spooked about all this, anyway?" Trevor said after a while. "It's not you they're coming for."

Roy shrugged and shifted back into the sofa as if it might protect him. "Just worried, y'know? They might come for me next. I worry how much they found out about us when they were following us. Maybe the Government already knows we're queer, and maybe they'll use this to arrest us all. Spies can find out all sorts of things about us if they want to. What if they know? I can't stop thinking about that. Maybe I should've been less affectionate with Jeff at the festival. Maybe someone saw that."

Trevor shook his head. "Nah, I doubt they cared about that. They weren't after us for that, anyway. It's not like we gave them any reason to suspect that, did we? Or was I the only one being bloody careful once we found out they'd been following us?"

Roy looked down, troubled. "I don't think I did. I'm always careful, even in my own home. Even with those new laws, they're still coming after us. We're still not safe. I don't know if we ever will be, not if things don't change. Jeff thinks they will, given time, but I'm not so sure. It still looks really bleak out there, y'know?"

Trevor knew that was true enough. "I know what you mean. I don't trust the cops as far as I can throw them. They're not interested in protecting people like us, so we've got to protect ourselves. Where is Jeff, anyway? Why isn't he with us?"

"Oh, well, Charlie said he couldn't find him yesterday morning before we left the island, or he'd have brought him with us. I guess he was off somewhere. I know I didn't see him after the show, though, so maybe he found somewhere else to stay overnight. Maybe he'll make his own way home. I might try to call him later, just to let him know where we are, so he doesn't worry," Roy said.

"You really ought to talk to Bev, y'know. He's missing you," Trevor said.

Roy hadn't expected that, and offered a confused expression as he tried to figure out why Bev might be missing him. It wasn't like they didn't spend a lot of time together as it was. "What do you mean, he's missing me?"

"Since Jeff came long, y'know? You're spending time with Jeff, rather than with him. It was just something he said yesterday. He misses you," Trevor said.

"Oh, that." Roy looked somewhat crestfallen. "I thought he'd lost interest in me. I didn't think he needed me anymore."

"He thought the same about you. You might want to go talk to him when he's awake. He doesn't like feeling abandoned, and I think he'd appreciate knowing you were on his side, particularly given what we're dealing with now," Trevor said.

Roy nodded as an acknowledgement of his words. Perhaps it might not be a bad time to fix that misunderstanding, particularly when Bev might need his support more than ever if he was about to be arrested for kissing a man in public.

"Yeah, I'll go see him later."

* * *

_September 2nd, 1968_  
Trevor had never seen Tony Secunda looking so angry. Once the high drama of the previous night was over, Tony had called Bev and Trevor down to his office. On his desk was a newspaper with a photo on the front that Trevor recognised. He was somewhat surprised it didn't show the moment he'd kissed Bev, but it was clear what it was about. He could see himself standing on stage, close enough to Bev as he smiled at him, a hand resting on Bev's cheek affectionately. It implied intimacy, if that's what you were looking for, but didn't directly show it. There was a second photo, smaller than the first, of Trevor halfway through ripping the dress off.

The article that followed wasn't solely about their kiss, but did somewhat position it as the most outrageous thing that had happened at the festival, even if there was no solid evidence of that kiss anywhere else, apart from quotes from stoned teenagers who were, on the whole, probably not considered the most reliable witnesses. Trying not to feel too scared, Trevor waited, wondering what might eventually happen to him. That there weren't any actual photos of the kiss comforted him, but maybe they didn't need them to charge them with gross indecency. It didn't mean he was off the hook just yet, and he couldn't find any peace.

"Were you even thinking when you did that?"

Tony's voice was soft and even, belying the anger flooding his body. Trevor was alarmed. He'd never seen him so angry he could not even shout at him. For a moment, he wished Tony would just shout at him for a while and then it would all be over. Life could continue as normal. But this was clearly different.

"What do you want me to say?" Trevor said after a moment's thought, unsure whether it would help.

Tony looked at him, eyes catching his gaze. Trevor wasn't expecting to see fear, but it was there, along with the rage.

"What I want is for you to realise that you've effectively ended your career. They won't let you get anywhere now, not if they know you're gay," Tony said.

There was that fear again, hinted at ever so subtly in his voice. Trevor wasn't sure why he was afraid. It took a lot to frighten Tony, and angering the Prime Minister Harold Wilson a year ago was the only time he'd ever seen it happen. But they'd all been frightened back then. That's why they'd settled, rather than fight it when they'd been sued. Having MI5 following them all over the country made that option much more palatable. Tony had done his best to calm them down, but Trevor knew he was just as scared as they were. Things had gone too far, but it seemed kissing Bev had gone further than even that postcard had.

"It doesn't have to, not if we play it right. They might not even have enough proof. What's got you so worried, anyway?" Trevor said.

For a moment, Tony didn't seem to move. Hunched over his desk, leaning on his hands, he looked like he'd been frozen, but he straightened and went over to Trevor, pressing so close to him, Trevor wasn't sure he wasn't about to be killed. He was sure Tony could kill him if he so desired.

"No one comes out. It's just not done. Play by the rules, camp it up if you have to, but never come out. Coming out will ruin you, I promise you that," Tony hissed in his ear.

Trevor got the distinct impression Tony had just come out to him, in a manner of speaking. He'd barely even eluded to it, but somehow, there was just something about the way he spoke those words that told Trevor all he needed to know. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Someone's got to be first. I don't care if it's me, or someone else. But someone's got to be first. I won't live in fear, not anymore. Let them kill me. I'll die knowing I was true to myself."

"You're a bloody fool," Tony scolded, turning away from him. He walked back to his desk, keeping his back to Trevor.

"Someone's got to be first," Trevor repeated. "I mean, we all know who's gay. We know. But no one says it. We're bloody invisible, and I won't stand for that anymore."

"They'll crucify you. They'll hound you and bash you. I can't protect you from that," Tony said.

"I never said I needed you to do that, did I?" Trevor countered.

Tony spun round. "Do you know how hard I've worked to get where I am now? Do you know how many secrets I've kept, how many lies I've told? If you think this is going to be easy, that the world's changing and it won't matter so much, you're bloody lying to yourself. No, I'd keep it to yourself for now. Save the coming out for when you're old and grey."

Trevor thought a moment, trying to work out if there was any reply that would be acceptable. "Alright, I won't formally mention it, but I won't lie if anyone asks. I'm not going to withhold that information any more."

"Get Bevan in here."

"Yes, sir." Trevor nodded and ducked out to where Bev was waiting in the hall.

"How is he?" Bev asked nervously.

"Pissed. And scared. He didn't even yell at me. I've never seen him like that before. I'd be careful if I were you," Trevor warned.

"Shit."

With a sigh, Bev entered Tony's office, closing the door behind him. He didn't announce himself as he saw Tony standing by the window, looking out at the grey city. He took a step forward before Tony interrupted him.

"Are you gay like Trevor?"

Bev swallowed his nerves, not expecting such a direct question from him. He decided honesty was probably the best choice, given the circumstances. "Uh, yes. Why do you ask?"

"Are you as eager to come out as he is?" Tony said.

Bev shook his head. "No, sir. I don't want to give those pricks a reason to hate me."

Bev noticed Tony noticeably relax, as if he was relieved things were going to be alright. Bev hoped that was a good sign.

"No one comes out, alright? It was just a stunt, a way to steal the show. Nothing more, alright?" Tony said.

Bev nodded. "Yes, sir. I have no desire to come out, anyway. I'm happy to pretend that's all it was."

Tony gave him a look then, as if he suddenly knew how close he and Trevor had been, but it didn't last, and he came over to Bev, seemingly much calmer. Bev was never entirely sure how to act around him. Tony had scared them from that first bollocking a couple of years ago. He could never be sure Tony wasn't about to shout at them, but in spite of that, he'd been brilliant. The whole world knew who The Move were because of him. That success kept them going, gave them faith in him.

"Just - be careful, alright? I don't want to find out you've been beaten up," Tony said, voice noticeably softer.

"Yeah, sure, I will. Is that all?" Bev said.

Tony took a deep breath. "Yes, that's all, for now. You're all resting here for the next few days. Leave this to me. I'll try to make this all go away. For now, just play it cool. I'll deal with the rest."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Bev left to go find Trevor. He found him in his room on the third floor, sitting on his bed as he stared at the carpet. It was a hideous shade of purple-grey that didn't quite look like it matched the rest of the room's décor. Bev went and sat over beside him, wondering what was going to happen next.

"Alright, ay? Did he rip yer balls off, then?" Trevor murmured.

"Nah, we're alright. We got some time off for the next few days, though. He said he'd deal with it, so I guess all we can do is enjoy ourselves, as much as anyone can enjoy themselves in a situation like this," Bev said.

"I swear to God, he came out to me in there, did you know? I can't even fathom why he told me," Trevor said after a moment's silence.

Bev was more than a little surprised. "He came out to you? Are you serious?"

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, I am. He didn't exactly say it in so many words, but I got his meaning. I knew what he meant."

"Maybe he was trying to let you know he knows what he's talking about. Maybe he's been there before, in this kind of situation," Bev said.

Trevor shrugged. "Maybe. I still think it's weird, though."

"I didn't say it wasn't weird," Bev said.

"Should we tell the others?" Trevor said.

"I doubt he told you so you could just tell the rest of the band. I think if he'd wanted us all to know, he'd have told us all, y'know?" Bev said.

"I guess so. Maybe he's never had anyone he's been managing come out before. Maybe it spooked him," Trevor said. "I mean, I didn't mean to, but still."

"It may be that, yeah."

Silence fell between them a moment. They shifted a little closer, not sure where to go from there. Trevor rested a hand on Bev's thigh, more out of a need to know he was there than anything else. The world had become quite weird and frightening, and he needed to know things were going to be alright. If he still had Bev, he'd be alright.

"I'm sorry, y'know. Really sorry. I shouldn't have done that, not without asking you. If you get hurt because of all this, I don't know if I'd ever forgive myself. I know we've had our differences, and I know you need to be safe, but I hope you can forgive me. I never wanted you to get caught up in all this," Trevor said.

Bev sighed and brought an arm around his shoulders, bringing him close. "I know. I know I was high, but it's not your fault. I could've pushed you away, but I didn't. I kissed you back. I made my choice. I've got to deal with that now."

"And to think all I wanted to do was fuck you, like, really wanted to fuck you, and I ended up coming out to the whole bloody island, or so it seemed," Trevor said, allowing a small smile to cross his lips. "I dunno why Roy gave up on you, you fit bastard. What kind of man lets a lad like you go? I'd have you."

Bev raised an eyebrow. "Nah, you don't, but thanks for offering."

Trevor shrugged. "I wish it had been different, y'know. I needed you badly that day. Y'know. Feeling lonely and all that. I miss Ace the most when we're touring. Cos you had Charlie and Roy, and I had Ace, and now it's just me. It's no fun getting high on your own."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm alone, too. Not having anyone to just be close to me, y'know? Sometimes, all I need is just to feel that someone cares enough to be willing to be intimate with me, to have someone touch me knowing they love me and care about me. It helps me feel like I'm human, that I'm still capable of being loved. No one wants a body like mine. They just don't. I mean, you never had much trouble with all the girls, right? I never really bothered with them because I didn't want them to know. But it did make me very lonely, particularly when Roy left me," Bev said.

"Yeah, I can understand that. I wish he'd been better to you. Who are you going to turn to now, though? Like, if you can't have Roy, what's next? I wouldn't want you to be lonely. He hasn't spoken to you yet, has he?" Trevor said.

Bev shrugged helplessly. "He won't speak to me, not really. He just - I don't really know. I don't want you to think you have to step in to save my loneliness, though. I know you care for Ace more, and I'd just feel like I was an obligation to you. Nah, maybe I'll find someone else eventually."

Trevor looked doubtful. "Yeah, right, sure, and I'm the Queen of England. Ace isn't any use to me anyway, not when he's not willing to keep in touch. What am I meant to do? Keep pining for him? Nah, I got better things to do. It's fer someone else to care for him now. I think you need me, right now, more than he does, anyway."

"It'd still feel like an obligation, though. Like, you're only with me because I need you, or because you're being nice, or because Roy's not here. I'm not sure I'm alright with that. I don't want you to feel like you need to be with me, y'know? I wouldn't want you to feel like I've forced you into this," Bev said.

Trevor sighed, raising his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. I give up trying to be a good mate. But I meant what I said before when I told you'd I fancied you. Big strong handsome bloke like you? Sure I'm going to want you. And I ain't just saying that, either. Half the reason I wanted to join up with The Move was to get closer to you. I know I spent a lot of time with Ace, but I wasn't sure you were interested in men, so I never bothered pursuing anything. I didn't want to wreck our friendship."

Bev scoffed. "Nah, you're just jessing me around, surely."

Trevor gave him a serious look. "Nah, man, I'm being serious, I promise. I mean, Ace was fun, because he got stoned with me. And yeah, we slept together, but so did everyone else. It was just sex, Bev, on the rare occasions when he'd let me fuck him. My heart never really belonged to him, not like that. He wouldn't let me in, the prick. Too paranoid to accept any love from me. I just made sure he got out in one piece, yeah? I made sure he was safe. That was enough for me, and fer him."

"And you're telling me all this time you've been chasing me? You actually think I'm worth having? Really?" Bev said, incredulous. He'd never had anyone fancy him like that. It was as uncomfortable as it was flattering.

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, I do. I just remember that first time I saw you drumming, like, back with the Vikings, and man, I'd never seen anyone like you. You were just so oblivious to the world, like, all you knew was drumming. The rest of the world didn't matter. I remember, too, how happy you looked that night. Nah, that night, you loved everything you played. The whole band, too, were at their best. That was just one amazing show, and I couldn't take my eyes off you. I felt every beat in my body. I know it sounds ridiculous to confess that, though, but it's true. After that night, I only ever had eyes for you."

Bev took a slow breath, unsure how to respond. It wasn't that he didn't find Trevor attractive; he definitely had his own rakish charm about him that Bev appreciated. But he'd never seen Trevor as a potential partner and lover, and wondered why Trevor saw him that way. He didn't think he was anything special. That Trevor seemed to think he was handsome, and not just an ugly freak, was not quite making sense to him. No one fancied him, not in his experience.

"I really don't know what to say, Trev. I've never been in this situation before. I'm used to people telling me I'm a freak, that my body is ugly and horrible. Even now, I still look in the mirror and see the girl I used to be staring back at me. I'm used to that perception of people like me being mutants and freaks, acceptable targets of ridicule. Do you know how hard it is to get over that? My sisters get killed for being who they are. No one ever bloody talks about it, no one talks about them properly, because who cares about prostitutes anyway?, but I know them. I see them on the television. Beaten and killed for being different. Our bodies belong to our doctors, things to experiment with, because we're abnormal, different. They try and cure us, prod us and test us, as if they can't really believe we're passing as human beings. You get used to feeling inadequate because your body isn't right, and will never be right. My genitals will never be accepted as male, and when that's how society decides what your gender is, no surgery will ever be enough to make that right. The very fact that I have a vagina means I will always be female to some people, no matter how male I look. I'm not a thing to be lusted after. I'm not something that is meant to be sexual. I'm a thing, a broken body that will never be accepted. You try finding any semblance of self-worth when that's what society tells you," Bev said, bitterness rippling through his low voice.

"What are you talking about? I don't understand. I thought you were an only child," Trevor said.

"I am. I don't mean that kind of sister. I mean my transsexual sisters. They're more visible than me and my kind, and there are more of them. They're visible in a way that I'm not, and I'm tired of hearing about them getting harassed and killed. We're the first, yeah? Like, until about three years ago, no one really had any standard way to treat us. We'd be shut away and they'd try to cure us. Locked away or imprisoned, sectioned or experimented on, because we're not human enough to warrant any respect. I know I'm like you because I'm gay, but in many other ways, I'm not like you at all. There's so many differences in our experience of the world and of the society that tries to box and label us. You've never seen the way we're treated, and I hope you never do. It's the ugliest, vilest thing I've ever had the misfortune to witness. It makes me doubt they'll ever get any better at treating us, that my brothers and sisters will always be called freaks and liars, that we're trying to trick people. They say I'm not real. I'm deceptive. I'm a liar. I'm a woman. I'm bloody hysterical, and if I just had children and got married, I'd stop thinking I'm a boy. Seriously, I've had doctors tell me that. They're meant to help me, but every time they deny my identity, erase me from their world, I die a little inside. I get a little closer to dying," Bev said.

Bev recoiled a little, curling up into himself on the bed. The memories were hard to deal with sometimes. He didn't always confess to all the things he'd witnessed because just talking about it hurt, and he didn't want his bandmates to worry. Just because he'd only ever chosen to come out to three people didn't mean no one else had noticed. His transition from ten year old girl to ten year old boy had not gone unnoticed, and had he not found the courage to make himself popular at school, he might not have made it through alive. He proved he was good enough, and earned their respect.

But school was a cocoon. The outside world was harsh and unfair, and occasionally had long memories. Not many remembered, but enough did. Bev was just glad they never talked about it; it was the one thing he liked about the fact that, even if they knew, no one ever talked about him once being a girl. But he still didn't forget some of the slurs though, and how badly he'd been treated when he'd first begun at Moseley Grammar all those years ago. Becoming popular - becoming accepted - took a long time, and he suffered quite badly for it. There were places back in Birmingham where he still couldn't go, because if he did, he'd probably be killed by some of those who still remembered, and still hated him for his deception. Bev had experienced enough physical violence from them to believe it wasn't just an empty threat. If they ever saw him round there again, they'd kill him.

Trevor shifted beside him and brought an arm around his shoulders. "S'alright, Bev. You're man enough for me."


	2. Chapter 2

Bev and Trevor spent the next two days hiding upstairs. Neither were willing to come down in case they were seen by the journalists still camped outside the flat. It felt like a siege. They'd been surviving, of course, and Roy and Carl made sure they had company and food, but it didn't make it go away. Their gear had arrived from the island, but no one felt like rehearsing. Their manager was still dealing with it, as far as they knew. The police hadn't dropped the case, and Bev was worried they'd get arrested and brought in for questioning. Perhaps they wouldn't get away with it, after all.

Roy wasn't much good for company, though. While he did bring his guitar in and played a little for them, if only for something else to do, Bev knew he was still scared. He didn't quite know why, though. Roy was in no danger of being arrested and gaoled. There were moments when Bev felt his reaction was insulting, as if it was diminishing the real fear he felt at what was facing them. He tried not to let those moments last, hard though it was.

"I wish you'd remember I was up there too, Roy. It wasn't just Trevor who outed himself," Bev had said one afternoon.

Trevor was asleep on the bed, and in a bid not to wake him, Bev kept his voice low. Roy sat opposite him, back to the wall. They had been talking about what happened, but Bev had taken issue with Roy's insistence on talking about Trevor as if he was the only one involved.

Roy just offered a slightly guilty glance as he wrapped his arms around his knees. "I know, I know. But, like, he just kissed you, and that was it. Like, you didn't do anything, did you?"

"I kissed him back, and I played along with it. That's enough for me to feel like I was part of it. It wasn't just Trevor out there on his own, telling everyone how much he loves fucking men. That might've been easier to deal with if he'd done that. But he decided to kiss me, for whatever reason. Or even for no reason at all. And I still kissed him back, Roy. I went along with it. I'm just as much at risk of being sent to gaol as he is," Bev said. "I just think you can't deal with the fact I did something like that. I know you've always seen Trev and Ace as troublemakers, but I don't fit there, do I?"

Roy shook his head a little, not exactly agreeing, but also not refuting the accusation either. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Jeff's like Trevor, y'know? Always nagging me about coming out. I didn't think you wanted to be out, but you still did that anyway. I hate to think Trevor's led you astray."

"Nah, he hasn't done that. I can't believe you'd think he was like that, anyway. What did you expect me to do when you decided to leave me for Jeff, hmm? You know I need company. But I don't have you anymore. Maybe I'd never have kissed him if I'd still had you for comfort," Bev said, turning the blame back on Roy.

Roy shifted uncomfortably. "Y'don't mean that. I mean. It's not like that. I didn't leave you, I just-"

"You got obsessed with Jeff. Whether you intended to leave me or not, that's what happened. Just tell me, alright? Is there anything still there between us? Or is it over?" Bev asked.

Roy didn't answer. He looked away before he got to his feet, muttering something about going to find Charlie as he left him alone. Bev sighed, exasperated. Maybe one day, he'd get a straight answer out of him, but that day was not there yet. Getting up, he lay down beside Trevor and tried to sleep. It might not bring him much peace, but it might kill the time.

* * *

"Are you alright with what happened? I know it's been hard on you these past few days," Carl said as he sat down beside Trevor as he sat on the sofa in the upstairs lounge, gazing out the back window.

Trevor shrugged. "I don't regret it, if that's what you're asking. How's it being reported, anyway? I'm assuming no one cares, yeah? They're all probably screaming for our heads or something."

"There's not a lot of good stories, if that's what you mean. The outrage is coming from the usual suspects: church leaders, conservatives, the usual lot of homophobic bastards. Tony's done his best to manage it, y'know, to spin it in our favour to get some good publicity out of it, while also making you out as victims being unfairly targeted. You should see him, Trev. I've never seen anyone campaigning so hard like that. It's weird, but it's working. Slowly, it's getting through. The tide's finally shifting, at least a little bit. It doesn't make it any safer out there, of course, but it's perhaps not quite so hostile," Carl said.

"I doubt that'll make the cops fuck off, though. I don't think even Tony's that good, and there are photos, after all," Trevor said, trying not to sound dejected.

"He's not sure you'll be charged, though, even if they do bring you in. He's not sure there's sufficient proof, and a field full of stoned teenagers is hardly going to convince a jury of anything. They might've misinterpreted what they saw as more than what it was," Carl said, trying to sound optimistic.

Trevor tried to look hopeful, but he still wasn't sure. "I'd rather not assume anything. I don't trust them to play by the rules. They could stitch us up if they wanted to."

"I think you're being too paranoid. You're assuming there's some sort of conspiracy designed to take us down. I think we just got unlucky, but I don't think anything bad will come of it. Even with the photos in the papers that I've seen, it's a tenuous proof at best. I haven't seen one photo yet of you two actually kissing, and I'd expect to see that, if it existed, splashed all over the tabloids. But it's not there. It doesn't seem to exist. Without that, there's no case," Carl said.

It did comfort Trevor a little, but not much. He'd never experienced any kind of fair treatment by the police, and wasn't expecting that to change. Being out would probably make it worse, but he didn't care. It wasn't like it would be much of a change from how things usually were.

* * *

As Bev made his way to the upstairs lounge later that day, Trevor came storming out into the hall, and Bev watched as he retreated to their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Entering the lounge, he saw Roy sitting in an armchair, looking distinctly displeased, and a little frightened. After all, he was sitting in the chair furthest from the window, which had its curtains drawn, sending the room into muffled darkness.

"Alright, seriously, what have you suddenly got against Trevor? Don't pretend you haven't been scowling at him any time you see him. I've noticed, alright? I was up there too. He kissed me. It's affected me as much as him. So why is he getting all your rage?" Bev said.

Roy crossed his arms and looked away. Bev knew he wasn't going to get much out of him, but he persisted anyway.

"This is all his bloody fault," Roy muttered. "The whole band got smeared. It isn't just about you."

"It bloody is about me, Roy. I could be gaoled for what happened, same as Trev. I am not a passive actor in all this. I did it, and I'll accept my part of the responsibility for it. But don't pretend it's not about me. I'm in danger, too. I've come close to being raped more than once, and I wish you'd stop pretending we're never going to get hurt," Bev said.

Roy looked insulted. "I worry about that every bloody time we get on stage. I always worry about that. You should be more careful."

Bev walked away from him out of irritation, resisting the urge to do anything more. "I am bloody careful every bloody day. Don't pretend you know anything about my life or what I go through. It's not always just a matter of being careful. Sometimes, that's not enough. You, of all people, ought to be more aware of the dangers I face every time I go outside. You know. Most people don't. Don't patronise me by telling me to be more careful. I am constantly on guard, and I can't relax in case someone finds out."

Roy offered an angry expression, but said nothing. Bev could sense he was close to just running away, like he normally did. It wasn't that Roy had no capacity to understand what Bev was talking about, but sometimes Roy could just get so stuck in his own head that he couldn't see that he wasn't the only one who was in trouble.

"I wish you'd never bloody kissed him, Bevan. Then none of this would've happened," Roy said as he turned to leave.

Bev watched him go, letting him have the last word. He was beyond caring about it. He had Trevor, anyway, and what did it matter that Roy didn't understand him? No one really did. Bev was queer in a way most people had never encountered before, and he knew enough about the few people like him to realise his life was in more danger than Trevor's was. Being gay was bad enough. No one knew Bev had begun life as a girl, and he intended for it to stay that way. No one needed to know that.

It didn't make things safer, knowing he had one secret they didn't know about. They always assumed he was gay, which was bad enough. Was it better to have them assume that, than know the truth? It did stop them questioning whether he passed or not, because they weren't looking for that. But he still got called a girl anyway, because of his long hair, and, well, faggots were effeminate bitches, anyway. It hurt, in ways he hadn't really expected, and they always silenced him, because how could he retort when it would just give him away? No, Bev had learned how to ignore them fast, because if he showed any sign of weakness, they'd get him.

* * *

"We're going to die if we go out there, aren't we? They're going to kill us for this," Roy murmured as he glanced out at the press still camped outside the flat. It was pissing down with rain, but they were still there, the dedicated soldiers waiting for their quarry to emerge.

There was still no news about what was going to happen to them, if anything at all, and all it had done was make everyone tense and nervous. Bev was beginning to wonder whether the band would survive this crisis. It had survived before, but he wasn't so sure this time. No one could relax, and being stuck inside for almost three days was beginning to get tiresome. The arguments were only getting worse, and if things didn't improve, maybe it would all be over once and for all. Trevor was copping much of the flak for what had happened, but all it did was make Bev feel like he didn't matter. He hadn't expected his friends would treat him that way, not when things were so serious.

"We're going to have to leave at some point. We've still got gigs to do, and I'd really like to get home, anyway. All we need to do is go out there and say it was just a prank, something done in the heat of the moment to stir everyone up. It's not like we're not known for that anyway. They'd buy it. Then we'd be alright," Carl said, trying to be the voice of reason.

Trevor scrunched his nose up. "I ain't lying to them, no way. I did it. I came out. I'll wear that, whatever happens. But don't you go out there lying about it. I'd have done it sooner or later, anyway. I don't wanna hide anymore. I want them all to know who I am and what I like. I won't take it back. You are not going to fuck me over with this, Charlie."

"Don't you dare, Trev. Don't you dare out me too. I'll lie if I have to. I don't want that stigma following me around for the rest of my life," Bev said.

For a moment, Trevor considered Bev, looking apologetic. "I wasn't gonna out you, man, I was just gonna..."

"You kissed me, remember? It wasn't like you just out and said it in front of everyone. You bloody kissed me, and that will need explaining because there are photos all over the bloody papers, alright? That's all they'll remember. They'll see us kissing, and that's all they'll care about. They will always question me now, and I'm more afraid of going out than I was before. I might even quit if it gets too dangerous. Go live in a cave somewhere. That'd keep me safer than I'd be out there on the street," Bev said. He got up and gave Trevor a disappointed look. He was still a little angry at him, but he didn't really have the energy to sustain it much longer. "I never should've let you get me stoned. I would never have risked my life like that if I'd been sober. This is all your bloody fault, and I'll never forgive you for it."

Trevor watched him go, sinking further into the sofa. He stared ahead, scowling at the wall. He wasn't normally so callous about those sorts of things, and he did care about Bev's safety and all, knowing he absolutely could get in real danger if anyone found out about him, but all he felt then was guilt. He wished he hadn't done it now, because he wasn't sure there would be any good repercussions at all.

* * *

_September 4th, 1968_  
The third day of their self-imposed exile from the world brought no good news. The case had been transferred to the Met, given its high profile. The police insisted the whole band should be brought in for questioning the next day, and it had sent panic through the flat. Secunda reassured them that all they'd need to do was sit there silently and let the lawyers do the talking, but it still didn't comfort anyone. Not even the promise that if the police dared lay a finger on them, Secunda would sue them for all they had didn't really offer much comfort. Trevor wasn't sure that would be enough. He'd heard enough about what happened to gay people in custody to believe it might well happen to them too, if they felt like it, and they'd get away with it because not even Secunda had enough power to win against the Met.

Even if it might be the only way to get them out of it, going into police custody was still a scary prospect. Bev was terrified at the prospect of having to go into police custody, afraid they would find out about him being transsexual and use that against him. Even though he had changed his birth certificate to say he had been born male, and all his documentation said he was male, it didn't mean he was safe. He was afraid they would lock him in a cell and rape him if they found out, just to punish him for daring to pretend to be a man. It was a horrifically good way to silence him, and he knew that if it happened, he'd never breathe a word to anyone about it. They'd get away with it, and he'd be left broken and afraid.

The worst part was being led handcuffed through the pack of journalists and photographers waiting outside to see them get taken off for questioning. Secunda was going to follow them with Roy and Carl, but it still left Bev and Trevor feeling vulnerable and alone. Neither knew why they were being arrested, rather than being allowed to go in voluntarily, but neither were willing to question it, not if it might mean further charges if they misbehaved.

They were separated immediately as they were taken into separate rooms for interviewing. Bev sat there, unwilling to speak, as he waited for his lawyer to arrive. He'd done his best to settle himself, finding any courage he had left to get through this in one piece without incriminating himself. The room was bare and grey, the seats uncomfortable and cold. The cop sitting opposite him was clearly trying to intimidate him, but Bev refused to give in.

Trevor did his best not to antagonise the cops in the room with him, even though he really wanted to. He hated them with a passion, but given the situation he was in, he had enough common sense to realise that he might, for once, be better off behaving himself. He still didn't relax until his lawyer arrived, and he could let him do all the talking that might get him out of this.

Bev didn't appreciate seeing all the photos laid out before them. He didn't scrutinise them as closely as he wanted to, though it was clear that in spite of how many they had, and how some could have been interpreted as signalling some form of homosexual intimacy, none offered any proof of it actually happening. The only one Bev could see that offered anything close to that was too grainy and out of focus to be absolutely clear that they were indeed kissing and not just Trevor whispering in his ear as they watched over the crowd. His lawyer had torn apart their proof quite effectively, and even the cops interviewing him were willing to agree that the memories of a field full of stoned teenagers were not exactly the most reliable evidence in the world. No jury would buy that.

They were both still locked in holding cells until they'd decided they were free to go, though. Bev felt it was done out of spite, to punish them anyway even if they knew they couldn't actually prosecute them for what they'd done. He felt they were lucky they were left alone, and as soon as they were released, Bev just wanted to get the hell out of there and forget the whole thing had ever happened.

The press were waiting, of course, and all Secunda said was that the whole thing had been blown out of proportion and that a statement was forthcoming as he led them all back to the car to be driven home. Bev just hoped that would be the end of it.

* * *

_September 11th, 1968_  
The story had gone nowhere once it was clear no charges were going to be laid. After besieging the flat for five days, the press had finally left their camp outside the flat on the 6th, deciding there were other things more worthy of reporting. No one in the band had directly spoken to journalists, not yet. Secunda wanted to control the story as best he could, and he didn't want them getting misquoted and scared if things went wrong. Bev certainly appreciated it. He'd been shaken enough over the past week and was disinclined to make it worse by having to deal with the press. When the time was right, Secunda would arrange an interview, but until then, they should just rest and remain silent.

The one benefit about finally being free of the press pack was that Roy finally felt safe calling Jeff to come and join them in London. He hadn't really coped well without him, and while they had briefly spoken over the phone a couple of times, it wasn't really enough. Bev wasn't really happy to have Jeff staying with them, but as long as he didn't have to see them together, he felt he'd be alright.

Things were still tense, though. Roy was still sulking, and once Jeff arrived, had spent most of his time with him. Trevor didn't mind, as it stopped Roy silently sniping at him. Bev, too, was pleased to get rid of him for a while. Carl was still trying to keep the peace, but all he could really manage was a uneasy truce maintained by everyone keeping away from each other. They were hardly the close friends they usually were.

* * *

Bev was glad he hadn't been the one to let Jeff in when he arrived from Birmingham. However, he had been there to see Roy letting him in, and the quick kiss they shared after the door closed, and they were sure no one was watching. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, Bev had a perfect view of them at the end of the hall, and he almost went back upstairs, but they saw him, and looked embarrassed at being caught. Roy looked away, ashamed, but not apologetic. Jeff scuffed his shoe, blushing a little.

"Oh, was I interrupting something?" Bev said, trying to hide his irritation. "Don't mind me, I'm not staying."

Jeff stepped forward. "Oh, don't worry. I just - I'm glad you're alright, yeah?"

Bev was not in the mood to be particularly friendly. "Yeah, I'm fine. How long are you going to hang around, then? Does Tony know you're here?"

Roy, grasping Jeff's hand, moved forward a little. "Yeah, I- it's alright. It's fine. He isn't staying long, are you?"

"No, no, I, well, the band's here, ain't it? I won't be hanging around. Got some songs to record," Jeff said. "I'll be out of your hair, I promise. You won't even know I'm here."

"I really don't care. Just leave me alone," Bev said, refusing to argue with them. Sometimes retreat was better than a battle, and he went outside, looking for some peace.

Jeff watched him leave, wondering what he'd done to annoy him. "He's alright, isn't he? I mean, he does like me, doesn't he?"

"Nah, well, it's been tough, hasn't it? Scared us all, really. Give him time to calm down, yeah?" Roy said. "C'mon upstairs. I want you here. That's all that matters."

* * *

Bev headed out to the back yard, needing to get some space. Having Jeff in the house with them was not exactly going to be easy for him to deal with, particularly not if he was going to stay for days on end. It wasn't that Bev particularly disliked him, either. He seemed to be a reasonably nice man. It was more... Bev just hoped he wouldn't have to see him and Roy together. He didn't need the reminder that Roy'd just left him.

Trevor was leaning against the wall, smoking, and he glanced over at Bev as he came and stood next to him. For a while, they just stood there together in silence. Trevor smoked, and Bev tried to clear his head.

"Jeff's here, in case you care," Bev said after a while.

Trevor shrugged. "Not my problem. You alright, though?"

"Not really. As long as they keep away from me, I'll be fine," Bev said.

Trevor's face scrunched up in disgust. "Y'know, I'd never have pegged Roy for being so, well, obnoxious with his partners. I thought he was too scared of being outed? So why the bloody limpet act any time he's with Jeff? I don't get it."

Bev shrugged. "Dunno, man. Maybe he's just... I don't know." He sighed. "He still won't talk to me, either. I'd really rather he just got over his shit and we could thrash this out, because it's just killing me to feel like he won't talk to me about this. It makes me feel like I never mattered to him."

"I'm sure that's not true. But you know how he is. He hates confrontation. Do you really think he's going to just come out and tell you he's moved on? I think he feels too guilty that he left you alone, now that he knows it's a problem. Y'know, because it was more than just being in love with you two, wasn't it? You needed him in other ways, and I bet he feels like he's let you down, and now he can't bring himself to say sorry," Trevor said. "I mean, he could just be a selfish fucker, but well, that doesn't quite ring true for him, not like that."

"He's probably afraid I'll hate him once I know the truth, and maybe I'll be angry with him for a while, but man, I just need to know where we stand. Is that really too much to ask? God. I'm this close to just going home, y'know. I can just imagine the two of them upstairs together. I'm not sure I have the energy to stay while he's here," Bev said.

"So why don't you go home, then? It's not like we need to stay here, right?" Trevor said with a shrug.

"We got press to do later in the week, don't we? Hardly seems worth it," Bev said. "Tony hasn't said we can go, anyway."

"Yeah, that's true," Trevor said. He took a final drag on his cigarette before squashing it underfoot.

"You still coming out, then?" Bev asked.

Trevor shrugged, unsure. "Dunno. Probably. Depends how much they bait me. I might just do it out of spite, y'know?"

"I thought you'd decided you were going to do it anyway. What changed?" Bev said.

"Getting arrested changed it, that's what," Trevor said, voice bitter and angry.

"Was that where you got the bruises? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about," Bev said. "I saw them a couple of nights ago. They looked pretty bad."

Trevor shifted, winced, and stepped forward out into the yard. Bev followed, keeping a little distance between them. Trevor kicked at the dirt, but it was half-hearted, and Bev could tell his left leg was a little sore.

"I wasn't gonna tell anyone. It was just bruises. Had them loads of times before. I figured it'd go away in time and no one would know," Trevor said.

"Was it the cops, then?" Bev felt he couldn't not ask that.

Trevor shook his head. "Nah, it wasn't them, fer once. Nah, some pricks mobbed me as I went to get some fags. I got away before they could do more than bruise me."

"Fuckers. I wish they'd just leave us the hell alone," Bev said "At least it wasn't the cops, though. Maybe Tony really did scare them, after all."

"Maybe. They did rough me up a little, the usual manhandling shit, but they ain't laid a finger on me," Trevor said. "They didn't touch you, did they? Because if they even touched you a little, I'll bloody-"

Bev brushed him off, reassuring him he'd been alright. "Nah, I'm alright. They left me alone. I mean, I got a couple of bruises from the cuffs, but that's it. And I'm glad that's all it was."

Trevor took a deep breath and squashed his cigarette out underfoot. "Fuck it. Let's go home. I'm tired of this place. I just wanna get away from this city for a while. You coming?"

Bev needed little time to decide. "Sure. Any chance to be away from Roy and Jeff."


	3. Chapter 3

_Birmingham, September 11th, 1968_  
Bev and Trevor didn't exactly tell everyone they were going. They'd told Tony, who had given them permission to go, once he'd told them precisely the time he expected them to be back in London. But they hadn't bothered telling the rest of the band, not in so many words. Carl had seen them leave, and Bev said he could tell Roy if he felt like it. Happy to be able to escape for a couple of days, they drove home to Birmingham.

Bev had thought a lot about what had happened and how he'd reacted to it himself. He knew he'd been responsible for what he'd done. He couldn't blame Trevor for it all, though he had done that at the time because he was still too shocked and worried about what was going to happen to think straight. But given some time to think about it, and to cope with how things were now, he'd decided it was useless pretending he was not to blame. He'd accepted that joint. He'd allowed Trevor to kiss him, too. His consent was implicit, if nothing else, and he knew he could've handled it differently if he'd wanted to.

Trevor, for his part, knew he'd have to make amends sooner or later. Carl had made that very clear to him, even if he hadn't been thinking it over himself. He'd spent enough time around Ace to know that he had to be careful with Bev, too. Disclosing their status was not something he ought to do, and while he hadn't done that by kissing Bev in front of a crowd of teenagers, he'd certainly outed him in a way that probably wasn't entirely consensual. He'd already apologised before, but perhaps it was being away from the others, and being able to find some space to themselves without everyone else being around that convinced him to come and make up for his indiscretion properly.

They hadn't planned to stay together, as they'd both been keen to have some time alone after all the time they'd spent together in London, but after a few hours, once they'd had time with their mothers to reassure them they were alright, Bev found Trevor on his doorstep with a bottle of wine, and Bev needed little encouragement to let him in. He led him through to the front room, and they sat together, trying to work out what to say.

"I'm sorry, Bev. I know I fucked up, and I'm sorry I didn't apologise sooner. I ... things were just messed up. I should've at least talked to you about it before I just did that, yeah?" Trevor said, glancing at him awkwardly.

Bev sighed. "Yeah, I don't begrudge you for wanting to come out, but man, you should've told me. At least then I'd have been prepared when you snogged me."

Trevor suppressed a smile. "Hey, I didn't snog you, not like that. It was just a kiss, y'know."

"I know, but you did rather make a show of it, or don't you remember that part? I'm surprised no one managed to get a photo of it, given how long it lasted," Bev said, offering a teasing smile.

Trevor looked puzzled, but dismissed it. "Don't fuck with my memories, Bevan. I know I'm not the only one who's glad there weren't any photos."

"Yeah, I know. I'm glad about that, too. I was so scared the cops might actually have one when they showed me all those photos, but I knew we'd be alright when I didn't see one. Without a photo of us kissing, they had nothing to prove we'd done it," Bev said. "It was still a close call, though."

"Man, it was. It was so hard to just sit there not saying anything. You know me. I don't behave for the pigs, but if I wasn't risking being properly arrested, well, y'know," Trevor replied. "No, look, I know it was kind of aggressive, but yeah. Though I'll be honest with you, if I'd actually planned to kiss you before that moment, I really would've told you. I wasn't lying when I said it was a spur of the moment thing. I just decided to do it then, and you were bloody closest, so you got kissed."

"Yeah, I know, mate. It's alright. And, hey, we got some publicity out of it, right? I mean, no one's going to forget our show now, are they? Bloody famous-"

"For all the right reasons, I hope you were going to say. First gay band, yeah? That's pretty awesome. That's what they're calling us, though not always as a form of praise. They think the whole band's gay, but I don't really care at this stage. I'm just happy we're not entirely being thrashed to pieces for it. I mean, it's not all bad. Haven't you read any of the good articles?" Trevor said.

"Not really. I've been trying to avoid the papers. I'm not really interested in reading speculation about my sexuality as if it was a legitimate piece of news," Bev said.

"Oh, yeah, well, of course. I can understand not wanting to know. So much of it's awful, so I don't blame you for that," Trevor said. "They haven't come egged your house, have they?"

Bev shook his head. "No, not yet. I'd like to keep it that way, if you please. I'm not looking for trouble."

Trevor nodded. "Hmm, that's good. I don't want them targeting you."

Silence fell over them a moment. Bev was aware that they were skirting around the issue that they both really needed to talk about, but neither felt confident enough to bring it up. At least, not until the silence got too much, and Bev spoke.

"So where does that leave us, then? I'm not ignorant to what happened before in the pub. I'm sure we'd have fucked if we hadn't been interrupted. And I'm not sure I'd have regretted it, either. But I don't know where you stand on all that, so I don't assume there's anything there, right?" Bev said.

Trevor looked over at him. "Well, you know I fancy you. I ain't changed my mind on that. Why do you ask? Do you want there to be something between us? Because I saw how lonely you were, but I didn't know if all you needed was a fuck, or if you wanted something more. I don't know what you had with Roy anyway, so I didn't want to assume I would be anything other than a mate to you."

Bev took a moment to think. "I'm not sure, myself. I loved Roy, and yeah, we slept together. I won't lie about that to you. But I haven't had him for months now, so I'm not sure if we're actually over, or if he's still interested. I can't get him to talk to me for more than five seconds. He's too besotted with Jeff, though I think he might be trying his patience if the last fortnight's anything to go by. I'm still not sure where I stand with him, but I have wondered if there could be something with us, too. I just don't know myself if that's what I want. I'm not used to dealing with this situation, and I'm not sure what to do."

"Well, you'd be safe with me, if you're worried about that. I know I didn't exactly begin things well, but I ain't going to snog you in public anymore. At least, not without your permission. What do you want, anyway? I'd have given up on Roy already if I were you, but you probably know what's going on with him better than I do, so I wouldn't want to assume," Trevor said.

Bev sighed and tried to think. "That's it, though. I just don't know. Roy still won't talk to me about it, so I feel like I can't really do anything else until I know for certain that it's over between us. I mean, I'm pretty sure it is, because I know he's been shagging Jeff for months, but he never actually broke up with me. You know what he's like, though. He was hardly going to come out and tell me, was he?"

"No, that's not really his style. It's still hard, though, to deal with him when he won't actually say what needs saying. Do you want me to leave it for now, then? Or are you more interested in not being alone anymore?" Trevor asked.

"He's already with Jeff. I really don't see why I'm holding back so much when you're offering. Just - you need to be really careful. I'm not out, and I don't intend to be under any circumstances. Don't you get carried away and out me, alright? Think you can manage that?" Bev said.

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, sure. I mean, I know what happened at Godshill was shitty, and I'm really sorry for putting you in danger like that. I hope we can move on from there, though. I do really like you, Bev, and I'd hate for this to come between us."

"It's alright. I was as much to blame as you were. Let's just chalk it up to being young and daft and leave it in the past. It's not like we can really forget it happened. Let's try to move on from there and try again. I'm still really annoyed I didn't get to fuck you back there. I really needed it, and I didn't have a chance. No one's touched me since Roy left me, and I really miss it," Bev said.

"Yeah, see, this is why I'm keen to see if we can make a go of it. We both know Roy's not going to be there for you anymore, so you might as well give me a chance. I mean, I ain't perfect, but hey, I'm someone, right?" Trevor said.

"Yeah, you are, and I appreciate you coming here to talk. I've hardly spoken to Roy at all since we got back. I'm this close to giving up on him for good. But yeah, at least you're here," Bev said.

Trevor moved closer to him and tentatively took his hands. "I really do admire you, y'know. You and Ace, both, man. Like, you're out there being who you really are, and not letting this shit stop you. It's not the same as me, I know, but I still admire you both for even trying to make something better of life. I know Ace has been really depressed about it though. The transitioning and whatnot. Didn't help when the drugs started to fuck him up, either. You're alright, though, yeah? Like, you're probably not as mad as him."

Bev met his gaze and thought a moment. "Well, I guess it depends on your definition of mad, but probably, sure. I'm still shocked I never picked up on Ace being a transsexual like me. I'd never have guessed, not in a million years. How did you even find out?"

Trevor shrugged. "I dunno. I can't really remember. I can't remember if he told me, or if somehow I found out? I know he was never afraid of me knowing, though. So he might've told me for some daft reason. It was weird at first, though. His body was, like, weird. Like, I don't mean that in a bad way, but y'know, for someone like me who's never seen a different sort of body like that before? Yeah, it was weird. You're like that too, I guess. With the weird body."

"It's not weird, it's just different. Come upstairs. I'll show you what I mean," Bev said.

* * *

Trevor followed him to Bev's room, closing the door behind them. Bev was undressing almost immediately, without the shame that Trevor remembered Ace always having. Ace could never quite manage to relax around him when he was naked, always worrying that his body wasn't perfect enough. But Bev didn't seem to care, or if he did, he didn't show it.

Bev felt he was, perhaps, jumping the gun a little, but Trevor would have to know sooner or later, and perhaps getting it all out of the way first might be a better idea. He faced Trevor as confidently as he could manage and walked towards him, wondering idly how different his body was to Ace's. Had he had his breasts removed? Had he had genital surgery yet? Was he even on testosterone shots to change his body's appearance? Did he use a prosthetic penis? Bev wasn't sure he'd ever know the answers, though. Ace was absent, elsewhere, and not willing to keep in touch. All Bev had was speculation and his own experiences.

"See? Not weird," Bev said as he showed off his body.

Trevor was a little sceptical, but he had to concede Bev had a point. There wasn't actually a way to tell he'd once been a woman when he had his clothes on, and even without them, his body wasn't that different. His chest was flat, there was enough body hair in the right sort of places, and even though his genitals didn't look right, that didn't really matter. The way Bev carried himself more than convinced him he was male.

"I can't believe I've met two of you. Like, there can't be that many of you out there. Ace never said there were that many. And I know two of 'em. That's mad as, hey? Like, so how did you even know? Like, Ace always knew, said he'd known since he was little. Were you the same?" Trevor said.

"Not really. I did buy into that narrative, because that's what my psych understood, but it's not really true for me. I'm still not really sure what triggered mine, apart from my father's death, but I don't really see it as that important. It just felt right, being a boy, y'know? I'm who I am, who I want to be. I'm not sure there's much point in trying to find an explanation when I'm not sure there is one," Bev said.

Trevor took a step forward. He'd already known about Bev losing his father; it was half the reason they became friends. They both knew what that pain felt like. No one else in the band did. It had bonded them in odd ways that they both found hard to describe.

As he stood before Bev, he could see the scars marking where his breasts had been, and they looked rather more horrid than he'd expected. He almost reached out to touch them, but held back, not knowing if Bev would want him to do that.

"Ace never had scars like that. They look painful, man," Trevor said.

Glancing down at his chest, Bev agreed. "Only had them done a few months ago. They're still kinda healing. But they looked worse when they were fresh. They're not so bad now."

"Why'd you get 'em removed? I mean, I know you're probably not wanting to have them, as a bloke, but I just - I can't imagine doing that. That's just..." Trevor trailed off, not sure what he was trying to say.

"Well, it's like you said. I wasn't meant to have 'em, was I? Most expensive thing I've ever had to pay for, though. You can't get this on the NHS," Bev said.

"Maybe that's why Ace never had his done yet. He always hated me touching them. But, like, they weren't really very big at all. Like, you'd hardly know he had 'em, but he knew they were there, and he never liked me seeing them," Trevor said.

"That's the thing about being like this, Trev. We're living in a body that's completely wrong. It's like we've woken up in someone else's body, so it all feels wrong. It looks wrong. You get to puberty and your body does all the wrong things. I was a boy with a period, Trev. It's distressing. I had to touch myself down there at a time when I really wasn't as accepting of my genitals as I am now. They were wrong, I bled, and it was awful. It was distressing until the testosterone stopped my cycle completely. I might not be so sure of how I came to be like this, but I do remember a dream I had when I was twelve, where I was at the doctors because I was afraid I wouldn't - y'know. I didn't have the right parts, but the doctor told me they'd come when I was thirteen, and I know I prayed every night after that dream to make it come true. It never happened, of course, but when your body's wrong, it's actually really distressing. You feel trapped, and for many years, there wasn't anything I could do about it. It's really hard to live like that," Bev said.

"Yeah, I remember Ace panicking about that. I couldn't really understand it, though. He never really could talk to me about it like you are now. Always too distressed, y'know? I did my best to calm him down, but sometimes, it weren't going to happen no matter what I did. I saw him cut himself, y'know? I can still see him doing that, trying to make his body better. I wish I'd been able to help him more than I was able to, because he needed help, and I'm not sure he was really getting all he needed," Trevor said.

Bev felt a shiver run up his spine. "Yeah, I can imagine why Ace might want to do that. I've almost done it myself, when I was younger. I had pretty decent breasts, y'know? Like, they were obvious under my shirt and I had to bind them every day to make sure no one would ever see them. I think I cracked a rib or two over the time I was binding, though. I needed to bind very tightly to make a proper chest, and that fucking hurts, man. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been a drummer, but every gig just aggravated it. I had bruises and everything. I'm glad I found better ways of doing that once I turned professional. I'm not sure I'd have been able to keep up if I'd still been binding the old way."

"I guess that's why you wanted to get your breasts removed when you did. So you don't have to bind any more. Not that I can imagine you with proper breasts, though. It looks weird on your body, as it is now, anyway. Maybe you didn't look so butch back then. I don't know," Trevor said.

"I've probably got a photo of my old chest tucked away somewhere, if you're really keen to see it, but yeah. I mean, the compression shirt was alright, better than the bandages, but it still hurt. I don't miss it at all," Bev said.

Trevor took another step towards him, and this time reached out to touch his chest. Curiously, he moved his hand along the scars, feeling how his chest felt and how different it was to his own. After a moment, he ditched his own shirt. A finger idly traced around the scarred areolae; they looked weird without the nipples, and yet, there really wasn't a lot of difference in their chests, except for the missing nipples and the scars.

"Are you happy with how it looks, though? Like, is this what you wanted?" Trevor asked.

Bev shrugged a little. "It's the best they could do, given I think I was possibly the third person they'd ever performed that operation on. They couldn't save the nipples when they removed the breast tissue, so I've just had to get used to not having them. But I don't really go around topless in public anyway, so it's no big loss. I don't particularly miss them, either. It just means I have to deal with a chest that isn't quite perfect. But I don't intend for anyone other than my lovers to see it anyway, so I'm not concerned about it. I don't have breasts anymore. That's enough for me."

"Is this all you're going to do, then? Like, changing your body? Ace kept talking about a sex change, how he was trying to convince his doctor to allow him to have that surgery so he'd have a penis, but he was too mad, I think. That was one of the last things I remember him telling me before he left. He was trying to have surgery. But I'm not sure he'll ever get it. He's too bonkers. No one'd treat him for that, not when he's so out of it. I feel sorry for him, y'know? Like, I don't want him to be distressed like that. It hurt to see him so distressed. But there wasn't much I could do for him. He wouldn't let me get too close," Trevor said.

"I still haven't decided about more surgery. It's an option, and I'm glad it's not a requirement my doctors are insisting on, but I've got prosthetic cocks that look better than what a surgeon could do. It's hard to give that up, y'know? It's entirely possible I'd lose all sexual response, as well, so I'd never be able to enjoy sex again. I'm really not sure I'm ready to make that kind of sacrifice," Bev said.

Trevor half-smiled at him, understanding all too well how hard that would be to give up. "Yeah, of course. I understand."

"They're still trying to convince me to wait til I'm older, too, because I might want a child. I was cursed with a functioning uterus, and doctors are so unwilling to remove one from a young healthy female-bodied man. But that's what you get, I suppose. Maybe one day I'll convince them to remove those organs. I'm not convinced about the penis, but if they could take my reproductive organs, that'd be great. I could stop worrying about my testosterone levels so much," Bev said.

"You serious? I can't believe, after all that, that they'd be reluctant to remove those parts. I mean, you're a bloke, so why'd you even want to have a kid anyway? That's mental," Trevor said.

Bev brushed it off. "It's just how they are. It's major surgery, Trev. I don't mind if they're going to be more careful about letting me have it. It's a big thing, y'know? I need to be sure in my own mind that I'm ready to go through with it, too, as well as convince my doctor to let me have it. So it's not as simple as just making them let me have it."

"Hmm, I guess. I still find it weird, though. Like, disrespectful. Cos you're a bloke, and you don't want to have kids, not like that. But what do I know, hey?" Trevor said with a shrug.

"I know it's weird, and there are days when I don't understand their reasons for why I need to do this or not do that in order to prove I'm properly a man. But it's just how it is. Ten years ago, they were still figuring out what to do with people like me. Most of the time, they just decided to lock them up in institutions. Now, at least they're willing to treat us and help us be the gender we're meant to be. They're slowly figuring out how to deal with us in a way that confirms our identities and lets us live the way we really want to live. It's not much, and it might not seem like much to you, but that's such a big change to me, to be able to live as a man," Bev said.

"Yeah, well, they still think being gay's a mental illness, so I can't really disagree with that too much. Maybe things'll change one day, and we'll be more accepted," Trevor said.

"In our lifetimes? I'm not sure, but one day, I'd like to think we could be more accepted. Who knows how long that'll take?" Bev said.

"Soon, I hope. I really do want things to change. I don't want to have to hide away, to be afraid the cops will come and arrest me for fucking another man. Like, it's so hard. I don't want to hide, and I know you don't really want to hide, either. That's kinda why I came out like that. I didn't want to hide anymore," Trevor said.

"Yeah, I know. I understand where you're coming from. I still wish you'd asked me first, though," Bev said.

"I know, and I'm sorry for not asking. Forgive me?" Trevor said.

Bev smiled. "Yeah, I forgive you. Just remember to ask me next time you decide to kiss me in public, yeah?"

"Will do."

There was a moment of silence, then, as they stood close, looking at each other. Trevor still had a hand on Bev's arm, and he was entranced as he took in Bev's body. It really did look remarkably masculine, more than he'd realised or expected. His genitals were the only female sign left on him. As he stroked a hand up his arm, he noticed Bev catch his gaze. They kissed, softly, tentatively, not wanting to rush or hurry. As they kissed, Trevor settled into it, allowing himself to bring him close as he let his hands begin to roam.

Bev was strong, Trevor could feel that in his body. His arms found their way to his shoulders, and he marvelled at how strong they felt. It was the last thought that ran through his head as Bev picked him up and lay him down on the bed, crawling over to get close to him.

"I thought you'd be more comfortable here. Want to finish what we started?" Bev said, a hand cupping Trevor's cheek as they lay together face to face.

"That was not what I was expecting to happen when I arrived, but sure. Just - lemme know if I need to slow down or whatever. I'm used to Ace, but you're probably different, y'know?" Trevor said.

"Of course I'm different. Fuck me where you like. I don't really care," Bev said.

His words sent a surge of arousal to Trevor's groin, and he felt his cock harden in his trousers. He sat up a moment to discard the rest of his clothes before moving into Bev's arms. They kissed again, more confidently, and as they got close, and began to touch each other, Trevor found himself weirdly turned on, even moreso than he'd ever been with Ace. But he didn't want to think about Ace at that moment. Bev was currently stroking his cock, and all Trevor could think about was how much he wanted to fuck him.

Trevor was never entirely sure how long it took to get to the sex. They certainly made out for quite some time, taking time to explore each other's bodies. Trevor spent a long time seeing what turned Bev on, and how to make him aroused. He was used to dealing with the wrong genitals, and how careful he needed to be when having sex with someone like Bev, but Bev had different desires, and he didn't mind Trevor going down on him. Ace had always hated that, but Bev pushed his head against his groin, gasping as Trevor probed his tongue inside him.

Bev also enjoyed taking the time to figure out what Trevor liked, as well. It'd been a while since he'd been with another man, and he liked reminding himself just what he loved about them and their bodies. He was pleased that Trevor didn't mind him going down on him, and spent quite some time giving him the most agonisingly slow blowjob he'd ever had. Trevor was squirming against the sheets by the time Bev was done with him, his cock so hard and eager, he was almost sure he'd come if Bev licked him one more time.

That was, perhaps, when the sex happened, though neither were particularly clear about it afterwards. After some fumbling for a condom, and several minutes of finding just the right position, they were finally able to have their pleasure. Trevor loved that Bev wanted him to fuck him hard, and delighted in not having to be as careful as he'd been with Ace. It wasn't that he disliked it, but he did rather enjoy being more rough with things, and Bev was more than capable of taking what he was willing to offer, and giving just as good back to him. Feeling more perfectly matched with him than he had with Ace, Trevor lay on top of him afterwards, exhausted and content.

For a while, neither spoke. The silence, and their closeness was enough. Trevor wasn't sure what he felt, then, as he mulled over what had happened. He hadn't planned for any of it to happen that way, but he didn't feel particularly guilty that it had. And yet...

"You still miss him, don't you?" Bev murmured, breaking the silence.

Trevor took a deep breath. "Yeah, yeah, I do. Maybe you were never close enough to him to know him like I did, but he was always there, y'know? Even when he was depressed, he still wanted me there. He'd cling to my arm, keeping me near. But he don't want me near anymore. He's gone, disappeared somewhere, and I'm terrified he'll kill himself if he's not careful."

"I don't think careful comes into it. Sometimes, you can't save them. But I hope he's alright. I still cared for him, y'know, but he was with you all the time. I never wanted to intrude," Bev said.

Trevor sat up and reached for his coat, looking for his cigarettes. Hunched over himself, he lit up, trying to forget how much he missed his old friend. "I mean, logically, I know we had to sack him. I know it wasn't working with him and the band anymore. But I still feel like we rejected him, and looking back, it might've been the worst possible thing we could've done."

Bev sat up, and tried to offer some comfort. "If it wasn't us, it would've been someone else. You know it was getting too much for him."

Trevor nodded sadly. "Yeah, I know. I still miss him, but. And you lost Roy, too. Do you miss him at all?"

Bev shrugged, indifferent. "Sometimes, I do. But he's not the kind of man you ever really own, not completely. He was always going to leave eventually."

Trevor glanced at him. "You and him - you were close, weren't you? You and him, you-"

"Had sex? Sure. He'd keep me company. It was easier, knowing he was there. I wasn't so alone, particularly when we were away on tour. I needed his company more than the sex, though. What I really needed was someone to talk to, who'd understand and not judge me if I needed to get a few things off my chest that I wouldn't trust to just anyone, y'know? That's what I needed him for," Bev said.

"Someone who knew you were, well, and didn't care?" Trevor said.

"Yeah. The number of people who know about this I can count on one hand. Not even Charlie knows," Bev said.

Trevor raised an eyebrow. "You ain't never told Charlie? Man, I thought he'd have been the first you'd told. You and him were together with Ace before The Move even got together. I wouldn't have guessed that Roy'd be the first of us to know."

"I wasn't confident enough to tell anyone back then. I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. I didn't even pick Ace was the same back then. He never seemed like it. He should be proud of that, at least, that he passes so well I never even picked it," Bev said.

Trevor smiled. "Yeah, he'd like that, alright. He needed to hear that so much, that he was passing. I'm glad you're not as paranoid as he was. It just made everything worse."

"Yeah, I bet it would," Bev said. "I wish I'd had a chance to talk to him, though. It might've been enough to save him."

"Yeah, but like you said, sometimes you can't save someone. I'm not sure if Ace would've felt comforted or threatened by that if you told him," Trevor said.

"It's too late to find out, anyway. He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about that," Bev said.

"Maybe he'll come back one day, yeah?" Trevor said hopefully.

"I just hope it's not in a bloody coffin," Bev said, trying not to sound too despondent. "I know too many who've been taken from us before their time. It's depressing. I don't want to add him to the book, no way."

Trevor sat up a little. "What book is that, then?"

"Oh, it's just a book I keep." Bev reached down under his bed and pulled out a thick scrapbook that looked like it was filled with newspaper cuttings. Sitting down beside Trevor, he opened it. "I keep all their names. All the brothers and sisters whose lives have been taken. Someone has to remember them, because I know so many who have no one left to mourn for them. People send me clippings now. Like, word's got round all the queer communities that I'm doing this, and they just send me names, photos, and clippings now. They also send photos and locations of the graves, not that I have time to visit them all."

"So how many of them did you ever know personally, then?" Trevor asked. He gestured at the photo of a woman on the page before them. "Like, did you know her?"

Bev nodded. "I did, yeah. That's Simone. She was a great friend of mine. She was from round here, I used to meet her at the club a lot. Always had time for you, y'know? It's hardly been three years since she died, but I still miss her terribly. Every time I go to the club, she's not there to greet me. It's just not the same."

Trevor could discern how she'd died well enough from the clippings, small articles that were probably glossed over by everyone, with tiny headlines. There wasn't a name anywhere in any of the articles, just a description of an unidentified man, 24 years old, from Ladywood, who'd been found dead in the streets. The dead man was just a statistic, nothing more.

"How did you even know it was her from these articles? They're terrible. It's like she didn't even matter, like a dead cat that got run over," Trevor said.

"We don't matter to anyone, really. This is how they all are. I only know it was her because she was killed right near our club. Everyone who was there that night knew it was her they were talking about. The location gave it away. No one else would guess, though," Bev said. "I mean, gay people get killed too, and I won't pretend that doesn't hurt just as much as these deaths do, but there aren't as many of us, like Ace said. We all know each other after a while. I've met most of them either at clubs around the country, or at Charing Cross. Mostly at Charing Cross, but still. I do see them around elsewhere. I try to make friends with as many of them as I can, because I know what it's like to think you're the only one. Until you meet another transsexual, you feel utterly alone. But I just know how relieved they feel when they know they've found someone else who's been through what they're going through. Shared experience is a powerful thing, Trev."

"How many have you got in that book then? I can't believe there have been that many killed, given how few there are of you, if what you say is right about the numbers," Trevor said.

Bev shrugged. "I've got about twenty, I think. Which, I know, doesn't sound like a lot to you, but you know how big the gay scene is, don't you? Twenty isn't a big number for them. But it is for us. Many of them I knew in person, either as friends or acquaintances. They weren't all murdered, either. Some committed suicide, or died of other illnesses. I wish none of them had died, though. It feels too much like a war when there are so few of you. It's a bloody massacre you can't stop, and every one they take brings them that much closer to you. This book scares me, Trev. I'm always afraid that one day, I'll be next, and there'll be no one left to finish the book for me."

Trevor brought an arm around his shoulder, just being there for him as Bev fought off his fear and grief. "I'll finish it for you. I promise. If you die before I do, I'll bloody finish that book if it's the last thing I do. I'll shout all the names out and make sure you're all never forgotten."

Bev smiled a little, though he was still scared. "Thanks, Trev. I hope it doesn't come to that, but thanks. This is the constant fear I live with all the time. I'm always careful because I know the world is so dangerous to someone like me."

"It's alright. You've got me now. I'll, well, I can't promise to keep you safe, but I can at least make you not alone anymore. That's gotta be worth something, right?" Trevor said.

Bev nodded, and they shared a soft kiss, all the answer Trevor needed.


	4. Chapter 4

_London, September 14, 1968_  
No one was particularly looking forward to that first interview. Carl tried his best to keep everyone from killing each other, but it wasn't particularly easy. Trevor and Bev had arrived back in London half an hour earlier than they had been told to arrive, just to make a point. Roy was still skittish and scowling at Trevor whenever he saw him. Jeff was still there, though at least he was gone most of the time. Bev didn't need him making this worse. Facing the cops had been frightening enough, but now he'd have to face the public. He wasn't sure he was ready for that.

Trevor was stoic in the face of all the trouble, and knowing he could still come out if he had to gave him courage. Secunda had still cautioned against it, but Trevor wasn't sure it would really matter much now. Everyone already assumed he was gay; what did it matter now if he confirmed it? At least Trevor felt he'd been honest, and not pretended to be something he wasn't. Perhaps not wise, but it was what he needed for his own sanity.

Bev still wasn't sure what to say. He knew he wouldn't come out, no matter how much he was pressed on the issue, but he knew it would come up one way or another. He didn't want anyone to ask it in the first place, though given the reception they'd got in the press for that kiss, Bev wasn't sure any protestation would be believed. That didn't mean Bev was inclined to give people a reason to hate him.

Bev felt he'd have been more comfortable with a newspaper interview, because at least then he wouldn't have to worry about being seen. His words might get taken out of context, but that always happened anyway. That was hardly new. He just felt going on television was exposing himself in a way he really wasn't ready for. There was no point in protesting, though. It was too late to change it now. He'd just have to get it over with, and see if he could get out of it in one piece, without putting himself in danger.

* * *

Bev felt the drink he'd had before they'd left for the studios was not enough. He did his best not to show how nervous he was. Even he noticed that the studio crew seemed to react to them differently now, which didn't help. It wasn't open hostility, but it was cooler than the previous times they'd been here. Bev tried to concentrate on what he needed to do, even though all he felt he wanted to do was run away.

Roy was chatty, which surprised everyone. Perhaps it was nerves. All Bev was really aware of was Roy chatting away in his ear about, well, Bev had lost him some time ago. It might've been song ideas. Bev really didn't know. But Roy had clasped his arm as they walked to their dressing room, and for whatever reason, he just seemed to want to talk his nerves away.

"It's going to be alright, isn't it?" Roy asked for the millionth time.

"I don't know what it'll be like. I guess it'll go as well as it can. If no one manages to fuck it up, and there's no riot, and someone, at least, still kind of likes us by the end of it, I'll be happy," Bev said.

"You're worrying too much. You do know we have fans out there, right? They've been the most supportive during this whole mess. You two never bloody saw it, because you never read the papers, but it's true. Trust me, alright? We'll have a supportive crowd. It won't be like being in court and being interrogated, yeah?" Trevor said, trying to raise everyone's spirits.

"You don't know that. I'm sure there'll be some out there who'll hate us for it. You are still coming out, aren't you, Trev? Like properly coming out?" Bev said.

Trevor nodded. "I won't lie to them, not about this. I wasn't lying at the festival, and I won't lie to them now. It's just not in my nature. If they don't like it, that's not my problem. And before you say anything, Bev, I won't out you. What you say about it is your business."

"Good. Because I'm not coming out to them. It's none of their business," Bev said. "I just don't feel comfortable telling the whole world about that, y'know?"

Carl came over beside Bev and rubbed his back supportively. "It's alright. We don't care. If you want to keep it to yourself, I'll stand by that. I won't mention anything about it. You'll do the same, won't you, Roy?"

Roy looked up as he heard Carl addressing him. "Oh, yeah, sure. I'm not saying anything, anyway. There's enough speculation as it is. I really don't feel like adding to it."

"They really won't call you on it, Roy, not when they've got me and Trev to question. I just hope they're not going to obsess about that kiss all night. I really don't care for a long discussion about that on television," Bev said.

"I doubt it. I mean, they will cover it, because that's the reason we're here, but I think Secunda managed to convince them that if they pried into it more than was necessary, then there'd be trouble. He's been organising this all week to make sure it's not going to be terrible for us. If you'd been here the past two days, you'd have heard all this, Bev," Carl said pointedly.

Bev brushed him off. "I needed some space. Don't pretend like it's been great being stuck in that flat for days. I needed a break, what with Jeff being there. Don't get me wrong, I like the bloke, but I'd just rather not hang about while he's spending all his spare time chasing after Roy."

Roy did his best not to look offended. "I never asked you to like him, you know."

"You never ask me anything, Roy," Bev snapped back.

"If you two could wait to tear each other to pieces until we get back, that'd be great," Carl said, moving between them in case Roy was feeling angry enough to argue back.

Bev backed off, trying not to let it get to him.

* * *

Trevor looked the most relaxed, in spite of his nerves. Lounging like a lion, he put on a brave face, and brushed off the questions with little concern for what anyone else thought. Bev didn't know where he'd found that strength, but he tried to channel some of it himself as he faced his own grilling. He knew they wouldn't spend the whole time talking about it, because they did still have an album to promote, but that didn't make the few questions about the kiss go away.

Roy hung back like he always did, and watched as Trevor and Carl took over, taking the spotlight away from him. Carl did love to talk, and with Trevor fighting for dominance, things did get quite side-tracked rather quickly. The kiss was soon forgotten as Carl and Trevor threatened to have the transmission cut off again as they attempted to demolish the set. Bev was surprised they went that far even before they'd performed. 

Bev didn't blame Roy for being that cautious, though. They weren't guaranteed a hero's welcome, and they didn't get one, not really. But then, Bev thought the girls would scream at anything if given a chance. Besides, it wasn't like the whole band was gay, not really. No one wanted to shatter that illusion any time soon. Drive the girls away for good, and they really would be ruined. It was still scary, though. No one knew how the public would really react to them, even a friendly crowd like the girls in the studio.

Bev was just glad it was all over quickly, albeit in the midst of chaos. Trevor had his chance to come out and stir things up, and they got a chance to perform and remind the rest of the country why they were still a great band, in spite of all the trouble they'd been through. An errant smoke machine had filled the studio and Bev was sure he saw an axe blade as their performance came to an end. Something had been destroyed, but what, Bev didn't know. He didn't think Carl was still doing the axe routine, but perhaps Secunda had talked him into it one last time to provide a suitable distraction from gay kisses. If you're going to be outrageous on television, you might as well go all the way. Bev was half convinced he'd seen a dwarf holding an umbrella running through the smoke, but given everything else that was going on around him, he wasn't sure he'd seen that at all.

As they'd waited backstage, Trevor had joked about kissing Bev again at the end, just for a laugh, but Bev wasn't keen to make their kisses a regular thing. One kiss at one show out in the middle of nowhere could be forgiven, but the world wasn't ready for it to happen at every gig. Bev was sure that would bring riots down on them. They would be courting trouble that would be worse than what they'd just been through. Trevor did reluctantly agree, even if he did somewhat wish he could've done it without the fear of gaol time.

They made a hasty retreat afterwards, just in case Secunda hadn't really cleared that smoke with the studio crew. Somewhat elated, and eager to be away from there, they didn't stay much longer, heading back out into the chilly London air. There were girls outside, of course, and as they passed them by, Trevor blew kisses as a few girls threw flowers. Trevor laughed all the way back to the flat.

* * *

"Ohh, Charlie, man, you shoulda seen the looks on their faces as you swung that axe around! I ain't never seen 'em that angry. That was brilliant," Trevor laughed as they went through to the front room.

Carl looked pleased with himself. "Yes, that was Seconda's idea. Might as well give them something else to talk about, as well as more publicity. I reckon we'll be alright. I doubt anyone will even remember you coming out tomorrow."

Trevor slumped down onto the sofa. "Do you know if we got the broadcast shut down again? Or did they just let it slide?"

"I don't know. All I remember is the song, and all that bloody smoke. I did what I was told. I wasn't really paying attention to the rest of you. I'd be surprised if they let it go on that long, though. You know what they're like. Broadcasts have been shut down for less than that," Carl said.

"That's certainly true. So, what do we do now, lads? I'd suggest going out for a pint, but that's probably not wise just yet," Trevor said.

"I ain't going anywhere. I'm buggered," Bev said, shifting down beside Trevor. As he went to speak again, he saw Jeff peering in from the hall. "I- oh, you're still here, I see."

Jeff reached for Roy's hand as he joined them in the front room. "Yeah, I've been watching. Didn't want to miss it, and Tony said I could. You were amazing tonight, you really were. They did cut you off at the end, though. They went off-air for about fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes? That's pretty quick of them. It was half an hour last time. Perhaps they'd planned for our shenanigans after all," Carl said.

"Maybe. That'd be rather sensible of them. I mean, we have shut the broadcast down before. Perhaps they're always going to have a back-up plan any time we're on from now on," Bev said.

Carl grinned. "It's nice to know they care, isn't it?"

"I think you've been really brave, Trev, coming out like that. They didn't censor you for that, either. The whole country knows now. I hope that'll be me one day," Jeff said enthusiastically.

"Nah, don't bother, Jeff. It ain't all it's cracked up to be," Trevor said.

"But it's like you said, someone's gotta be first, and we gotta stop hiding. That's what I want, too. I don't want to hide anymore," Jeff said.

Bev noticed Roy looking somewhat displeased at Jeff's comments, and it amused him to think that Roy and Jeff disagreed about that particular issue.

Trevor shrugged against the back of the sofa. "Then come out, for all I care, if it means that much to you. I mean, don't wait for a national audience if you don't want to. You might never get one long enough to make the most of it. We could be ruined next week. You just never know in this business."

Jeff felt both encouraged and hesitant. "You really think I should come out, then?"

"What have you got to lose, really? The more of us that come out, the better, I reckon. It'll get easier and easier, and then it won't matter. But make sure you're prepared for the backlash, because people will hate you and want to hurt you because of it. Don't come out if you can't handle that shit," Trevor cautioned.

That made Jeff hesitate, and for a moment, he didn't look quite so eager. Before he could speak, Roy decided he'd had enough.

"C'mon, let's go to bed. I'm tired, yeah?" Roy said, keeping his voice soft and his words vague.

"Oh, yeah, um, sure. I'll see you lads later, yeah? Great show. You were bloody amazing," Jeff said as Roy led him away.

Trevor waved them off, unconcerned. Bev didn't appear to notice. Carl went over to the front window, peering out through a slit in the curtains. Elation had given way to tiredness.

"Alright, I'm turning in. That was a long bloody day," Trevor said, wearily getting to his feet. "You coming, Bev?"

"Nah, not yet. I'll be up in a while, " Bev said.

"Alright. Night, Charlie," Trevor said with a yawn as he shuffled off.

Bev sat back against the sofa, gazing off at nothing in particular. There was silence between them, until Carl came and sat beside Bev. They were both tired, Bev could see that.

"Thanks for tonight. I needed that distraction," Bev said.

Carl grinned. "Anything for you, Bev. You feeling alright, then? How've you been coping with all this?"

Bev shrugged. "As well as can be expected. I've been talking with Trev a lot, mostly. He's kept me sane."

"That's what I thought. So what's been going on between you and Roy, then? Don't think I haven't noticed how you've been acting towards him. Has he done something to upset you?" Carl said.

Bev shifted, not wanting to discuss that with him. "It's personal. I ain't telling you about that."

"If you're afraid I'll judge you, don't be. I just want to make sure you two can still coexist together. The band will go on, and I want to know if you both will be there with me," Carl said.

Bev sighed and got to his feet. "You talk to Roy if you're so bloody keen. He won't speak to me. I'm going upstairs. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Bev left Carl to himself as he headed back to Trev's room. He found him standing by the open window, smoking. He looked lost in thought. Bev went over to him.

"Alright?"

Trevor shrugged. "Alright?"

Bev shrugged, feeling about the same. Through the walls, they could hear Jeff and Roy together. It didn't take a genius to know what they were doing, quiet though they were. The heavy breathing sort of gave it away.

"It's too quiet now. I'm feeling - weird. Maybe it's the fact I'm sober fer once. I feel like I should be pissed right about now, but man, I'm not sure I feel up to going out, hey?" Trevor said.

"I know what you mean. We could still go out, though. I mean, do you really want to try to sleep while they're shagging their brains out?" Bev said.

Trevor took a deep breath and finished his cigarette. "Alright, just a quick one, yeah? I ain't interested in being bloody out til 4am. And not just cos Secunda'd kill us if we were."

Bev smiled. "Got a place in mind?"

Trevor nodded. "Down the road. We're conveniently close to a gay bar. I don't even care if anyone gives us trouble. I just want a drink."

Grabbing their coats, they headed back downstairs. Carl was still in the front room, looking thoughtful. Trevor stuck his head round the door.

"Oi, Charlie, we're going down the pub. Wanna come?"

Carl turned to them, taking a moment to think. He offered a mischievous smile as he replied. "I think I'd better. Someone'd better be there to make sure you don't go causing trouble."

Trevor smiled back. "Don't worry, we'll keep an eye on you, man."

* * *

The pub was only a few streets away, and Bev was glad Carl didn't mind going to a gay club. Trevor was treated to a hero's welcome as they recognised him, welcoming them in warmly. They'd all been watching the show that night, and Trevor was rewarded with several kisses from several rather fit men. Drinks were on the house, it seemed, and the party was still young.

As if to make a point, Bev pulled Trevor into a kiss as the crowd cheered them on. He didn't care that it was in public, that they were both sober, that there might be undercover cops there waiting to arrest them. He didn't care about any of that right at that moment. All he cared about was being among friends, and not having to hide.

It became one of the best nights of their lives. The music was great, no one was having a bad time, and they all felt safe, for the moment. They didn't quite get plastered, because they were having too much fun, but being able to dance together, as partners, was the high they needed. Even when the police raided the club at 1am and tried to get them all arrested, a couple of members made sure Bev, Trevor, and Carl were led out the back, able to slip away without being seen.

They got back home safely, and this time, they were ready for bed. Trying not to wake anyone as they stumbled up the stairs, Bev and Trev said a giggly goodnight to Carl and fell into bed together, sharing a kiss as they fumbled with the blankets, and then their clothes, and finally settled down in each other's arms.

Bev went to speak, but Trevor pressed a finger to his lips. "Don't, man. Don't ruin it."

They shared another kiss, and Bev felt Trevor's hands beginning to explore his body. Bev reached over and picked out a shiny piece of glitter from his hair.

"Covered in fairy dust, that's what you are," Bev murmured, trying to get it off his fingers. "Anyone'd think you were queer."

"I'm the best bloody queer in the whole entire world, man," Trevor drawled as he brought him into a kiss, trying to get glitter on him.

Bev pretended to struggle, but didn't really mind. He secretly hoped Roy and Jeff could hear them next door, and he noticed Trevor had thought the same thing as he began pointedly grunting as loudly as he dared as he shifted Bev on top of him.

"You're a devious little shit, aren't you?" Bev whispered as he felt Trevor's fingers slip between his legs.

"Hey, fair's fair. If they're going to fuck where we can hear it..." Trevor trailed off.

Bev could feel Trevor's growing erection, and there was some fumbling around under the covers as they prepared in the dark. Trevor asked if he was ready, and after shifting a little, Bev got himself into position, feeling Trevor's prick ready to penetrate.

"God, don't hold back or anything, will you?" Bev breathed as Trevor eased his way inside him. Bev grasped the sheets, breathing out in relief, trying not to make too much noise. They only wanted Roy and Jeff to hear them, not wake the whole street.

They kept quite close together, their movements quick but effective. There was no tenderness or passion in it; they were sating a need, and nothing more. Bev grasped him close, fingers digging into his back, as he came, his body pulsing with pleasure. Trevor exhaled gladly, thrusting a few last times as he finished off. They remained together for a moment, catching their breath, before carefully separating and cleaning up.

Lying together in the dark, bodies warm and satisfied, Bev smiled as he heard movement in the next room that suggested someone was awake. Trev stifled a laugh, which just made Bev want to laugh. A kiss did not quite stop their giggles, but it did help them calm down eventually.

"It's been a weird bloody day, hasn't it?" Trevor whispered.

"The best weird bloody day, though," Bev countered.

Trevor murmured in agreement and then yawned conspicuously. Bev kissed his forehead, feeling just as tired, and gave up trying to stay awake as they drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

* * *

_September 15th, 1968_  
Bev was surprised to see Roy waiting for him in the kitchen when he went down for breakfast. He was feeling pretty hung over, but not so much he wanted to go back to bed. Roy handed him a coffee and shyly suggested they might go outside to talk. Bev wasn't ready for Roy being so upfront, but followed him out the back anyway.

"What's this about, then?" Bev asked.

Roy gazed off at the yard, lost in thought. "Well, y'know, I mean, I wouldn't want to intrude..."

"Is this about me and Trev?" Bev said, not patient enough to play guessing games with him.

Roy shifted awkwardly. "I didn't know you were in love with him. Why didn't you tell me?"

Bev just stared at him blankly. "Jeff turned up, and I didn't have you with me anymore. You never had time for me anymore. What did you really expect me to do, Roy? Wait for you?"

"Oh. That." Roy found himself gazing at a small white daisy hopefully trying to push its way through the gap in a couple of bricks. "Did you really feel like I'd left you? I thought you just didn't need me anymore."

Bev sighed. "You know I'm not out to all and sundry. I wasn't going to bring that up, not when Jeff was constantly around. I could never get you alone long enough to talk about it. All I needed to know was whether we were finished. I never knew if you'd moved on or not."

Both managed not to mention what they'd heard the night before, though their body language suggested as much. They would never be crass enough to talk about it.

"I wanted to. I did want to talk to you, but then I saw you with Trev, and you just didn't seem interested. And you hate Jeff, so why would I want to talk to you about that?" Roy said, sounding slightly petulant.

"I don't hate Jeff. I just hate how he monopolises you. All those times when I needed you, because no one else knew, and you were too busy with him. I felt like you didn't care anymore. You were the only one in the band who knew. How do you think I felt when I lost the one person I felt safe talking to?" Bev said, doing a halfway decent job of hiding how angry he felt at finally being able to tell Roy what he'd wanted to tell him for months.

Roy looked away, ashamed. "You should've said something. I didn't mean to abandon you. I never did. I thought you didn't need me."

"I do need you. Even during the past two weeks, I needed you. I just wanted to know you cared enough to support me, but all I saw was you running off with Jeff. I tried to talk to you, but you just wouldn't talk to me about it. Can we just call a truce or something? I'm not interested in a fight. I just want us to be friends again, yeah?" Bev said.

"I'm sorry. I was scared, I didn't want - but I should've been there for you. I'm sorry. I just got caught up with Jeff, and I didn't know what to do. I don't mind if you're with Trevor now, but if you need to talk to me, don't be afraid to ask. I can get rid of Jeff if I have to. I don't want you to feel like you have no one. I mean, you've got Trevor now, but I'm still here if you need me. I just didn't know, and I'm sorry for not thinking you might need me," Roy said.

"All I wanted to know was where we stood, because we did have a relationship before Jeff came along, and you just started hanging out with him without really telling me what was going on. Just - I don't care if you want to be with him, but just don't neglect me. I have few friends in this world. I need every one of them including you, alright?" Bev said.

Roy nodded. "Yeah, alright. I'm sorry."


	5. Chapter 5

_Hammersmith Odeon, September 21, 1968_  
Roy paced agitatedly. He'd never been so nervous before a gig, and the rather ominous sounds of the crowd weren't helping. Some were cheering, and there was excited screaming, but every now and then, there was a dull sound of disapproval. He hoped Wilf and the crew were ready to keep any trouble from starting up, because the last thing Roy needed was a riot that ended up with them all in gaol.

"I hope you're not going to be like this the whole night," Carl said as he watched him.

Roy shook his head anxiously. "Something's gonna happen, I can just feel it. It's all gonna go wrong. We should've waited longer, or had a rest or something."

"We need the money, and anyway, this was the only place who were brave enough to book us. You do want to get paid, don't you?" Carl said.

Roy shrugged, though he did nod slightly. "Maybe."

"Look, the lads are here to keep us safe. I've made sure they know to step in before anything bad happens, alright? I called for them specifically, because I knew there was a chance we'd get trouble so soon after Trevor came out, and those bastards can intimidate anyone. They're the best in the business, and they're old friends. Just have some faith in them, will you?" Carl said.

Roy glanced at him, but didn't reply. He took a deep breath before he left, trying to find somewhere small and confined to hide in.

* * *

Trevor peered out at the crowd from backstage, trying to ascertain how friendly they were. He recognised several girls at the front as regulars at their gigs, and that brought him some comfort. But there were some angry looking men hanging about at the back who looked like they'd be trouble if they weren't careful.

"I think we might need some more protection tonight, Bev. I don't reckon we could fight that lot if they wanted to attack us. There's too many of them," Trevor said.

Bev glanced over at him. "Well, I don't know, call the cops, then? I don't know why you're so worried. We've got Wilf and the crew with us. We're safe, alright?"

"No cops. They'd sooner join in with those pricks than try to protect a queer like me. Learned that the hard way. They don't give a shit about me, about people like us," Trevor said.

* * *

It was a surreal kind of show. It felt so incredibly normal, just like any other show, and yet, it was obvious things had changed. Somehow, things had changed, but it didn't seem to be putting the fans off. They were still as enthusiastic as they'd always been, which brought them some comfort. And yet, everyone saw the men at the back from the stage. Everyone saw that they were looking for a fight, specifically one with them. Wilf and his men were obviously present, too, and hung about the men at the back, hoping to intimidate them enough to make them back off.

It wasn't enough, though. After breaking into Flowers In The Rain, everything erupted into chaos. There was a loud explosion, smoke, rubble, and fire, and screaming girls charging towards the exits.

Running for the exits didn't help, though, not for Trevor, and as he tried to find his way backstage, Trevor found himself cornered by two of the angry men. There was a moment where Trevor realised this was probably what they had always intended to do. The bomb had not been big enough to cause significant structural damage, but it did send the crowd into chaos, and allowed Trevor to be cut off. He tried to push past them, but they just pushed him back against the wall.

"Ain't no one gonna help you now, faggot," one said and smacked him hard on the jaw.

Trevor tried to speak, but there was blood gathering in his mouth, and he wasn't quite able to form words. The rest of the evening faded into pain and uncertainty.

* * *

It took ten seconds to realise something was wrong. As the explosion rocked the stage and sent the crowd into a panic, Bev did his best to grab Roy's arm and drag him backstage, away from the chaos. They ran through corridors and stumbled out onto the back alley, wondering what was going on. A moment later, Carl joined them, as well as some venue staff. When Secunda finally arrived, he made sure they were fine before he ushered them into van and told them to drive away. It happened too fast for anyone to realise Trevor wasn't with them until they were halfway across London, parked somewhere in the dark, wondering what on earth had happened.

Roy sat in the back, curled up. "I just knew something was going to happen. I just knew it. We should've gone home. We'd be alright then."

"Just - leave it, Roy. We're scared and shaken, and I'd just like to stay here a moment, and then find somewhere to get a stiff drink. I hope no one's hurt, yeah?" Bev said.

Roy shook his head. "I'm alright. Scared more than hurt."

"Same here. I got a couple of scratches, but nothing life-threatening," Carl replied. As he looked at them, he realised they were missing someone. "Hey, where's Trev? He did get out with us, didn't he?"

"I thought he was with you," Bev said. "Didn't he come with you?"

Carl shook his head. "I lost him in the crowds, I think. I just ran for it, and thought he was behind me. Maybe he got caught up by those bastards."

Bev shot him an angry look. "No, don't you dare say that. They wouldn't have done that. He's alright. He's probably just trying to get out with everyone else."

Carl didn't look too convinced, though. "You saw the way those men were hanging about, didn't you? Are you telling me you're not convinced we were the intended target here?"

"Of course we were. I know that. But, God, don't tell me that Trevor was left behind. Those blokes looked like they'd have killed him if they found him," Bev said.

"I know, that's why I'm worried. We should go back and look for him," Carl said.

"But - no, Tony said to keep away. We're safer out here," Roy said.

"And Trevor could be fucking bleeding to death! Doesn't that worry you at all?" Carl snapped.

Roy covered his ears with his hands and pretended not to hear them. Carl shook his head. Bev sighed. They were all scared, of course. What might've happened to Trevor? They could go back and risk being attacked themselves, or stay way and be safe. Tony did say he'd come and get them once it was safe. So why should they put themselves in unnecessary danger? It was a tough call to make, but cowardice won out in the end, and they waited anxiously in the dark, hoping everything would be alright.

* * *

 _September 22nd through 23rd, 1968_  
At around midnight, Carl decided they ought to drive back to the flat. Secunda was more likely to look for them there first, and they might at least be somewhere safe. No one could really sleep, though. All night, they waited for news, but none was forthcoming. Secunda didn't arrive back until 7am, looking exhausted and fed up. He was sporting some cuts on his hands, and his suit was coated with dust and blood stains.

"Any of you hurt at all?" Tony asked.

"No, we're fine. We're alright. Where's Trevor? Is he alright?" Bev dared to ask.

Tony shook his head. "He was in a right state when I found him. He's at Charing Cross, but they don't expect him to make it, not yet anyway. They're still trying to stabilise him."

Bev almost didn't want to hear it, but the words just would not disappear. "No. No, he won't die. He can't die."

Carl held him, trying to comfort Bev as he took in the news. "Look, he might make it. Don't write him off yet. He's not dead yet."

Bev couldn't find any hope to cling to. Just when he thought he'd found a companion, he'd been taken from him. He suddenly felt very alone and vulnerable. They might try to kill him next. Without Trevor, he'd be an easy target. Carl tried his best to settle him, but Carl didn't know, and Bev didn't have the courage to explain it.

"Go over this afternoon, if you want. He might appreciate you being there. I'm going to bed. Don't wake me, and don't talk to anyone. I'll handle this, alright?" Tony said.

"Yeah, sure thing. We'll be alright," Carl said, reassuring him.

Carl watched him head upstairs, every step falling heavily on the treads. He wondered quietly when all the chaos would end. Life had become far too stressful lately.

* * *

Bev headed off to the hospital as soon as he could get free. Staying at the flat didn't help. He felt like a trapped animal. He needed to do something. He might as well be with Trevor. He might pull through, and if he didn't, at least he'd be with him until the very end. It was the only place he wanted to be. If Trevor was going to die, Bev didn't want him to die alone.

The hospital wasn't as busy as it had been during the night. Bev wasn't sure where Trevor was being kept, and it took a couple of attempts to find the right ward. With some reluctance, he was allowed to sit with him, and Bev struggled to contain his grief. Trevor looked awful, lying still in bed, plugged up to tubes and wires. He looked like he was covered in bandages, but it wasn't that bad, not really. Not all of his body was wrapped up, though that didn't alleviate Bev's worries. It was bad enough that he was lying there in an induced coma. Maybe he wouldn't wake up again. Bev tried not to entertain that idea.

He didn't do anything other than sit with him, holding his bandaged right hand as gently as he dared. He wanted to talk to him, but didn't know what to say, not when he was in a place where he could be overheard. Trevor might've had a private room all to himself, but that didn't make Bev feel any safer talking about their relationship.

They wouldn't let him stay though. At five o'clock, they asked him to leave and come back in the morning. It hurt to leave Trevor all alone, but he didn't have the courage to argue with the matron. Promising to return, he left Trevor and headed out to go home, where he knew he would not sleep, but worry about Trevor all night.

As he was passing another ward, someone called him over. Bev wasn't sure who else he might know in here, but went anyway. He found a girl in bed with a bandaged ankle. He didn't know her, but he was used to being recognised by strangers. It came with the territory. Still, perhaps she'd been at the show the night before. Maybe it'd be alright to say hello.

She looked at him anxiously as he went over to her bed. "Is it true Trevor's here? My sister told me he was brought here. Is he alright?"

Bev wasn't expecting that question, and wasn't sure what to say. Tony hadn't given them any instructions about what to say about that. He had heard some mention of Trevor's condition on the radio, so perhaps it was more widely known than he thought. "Yeah, he's here. He's not doing well, though. Were you at the show last night?"

She nodded. "I was with some friends, and we managed to get out, but I broke my ankle. We were near the back, though. I think that's what saved us."

"I'm glad you weren't seriously injured. I'm sorry you got caught up in all of that, though. It's not fair to take it out on the fans," Bev said.

She didn't seem concerned. "I'll pray for Trevor. And I'll be there at the next show, just you wait. They won't keep me away."

Bev was touched by her loyalty. "I'll keep an eye out for you, then. Anyway, I'd better go before I get thrown out myself. Hope your ankle gets better soon."

"Oh, it will. I'll be alright. Goodbye. Goodbye! I'll pray for Trevor! I promise!" she said as Bev turned to leave.

Bev quietly hoped he wouldn't run into anyone else, and was glad he didn't as he made his way out to catch a bus back to the flat. As he was waiting, he caught sight of a small group of girls in a park nearby, holding candles in the darkening light. He almost went over to them, but thought better of it as the bus pulled up.

* * *

 _Charing Cross Hospital, London, September 28, 1968_  
The first thing Trevor was aware of was the fact he couldn't move. Or, he didn't want to move. Everything hurt, but he couldn't remember why. All he remembered was the gig, but only up to the point where they went on stage. Everything after that was a blank. Had something happened? Did he get himself bashed? Where was he, anyway?

It took a long time to force his eyes open. He was not unsurprised to see he was in hospital. It still didn't really tell him what had happened, though. He tried to move his neck and look down at how badly injured he was, but it quickly became apparent his neck was restrained, fixed into position. Maybe he'd broken his neck and he'd never walk again.

What he could see didn't look good. His right hand was bound in plaster, as if he'd broken it. His chest ached with every breath he took. Both his legs also seemed to be partly bandaged and set in plaster. His jaw, he noticed, also ached, and it took a minute to realise he was missing a couple of teeth, as if he'd been smacked hard on the jaw. The back of his skull also pulsed with pain.

For a long time, he just lay there in silence, staring at whatever was in front of him. He didn't know what else to do. There didn't appear to be anyone with him, at least, not at that moment. As his mind became more awake, he tried to go over everything he remembered from that last gig, just to see if he could piece together what had happened to him.

But it didn't help. He was still as clueless as ever about what had happened. He just remembered their first song, and after that, nothing at all. He hoped someone would come and see him soon. He was in need of a distraction, or he'd keep worrying about his memory going daft on him.

* * *

Bev had not left his bedside since he'd been taken to hospital. At least, he hadn't up until a couple of days ago. They said they weren't sure Trevor would recover, and told him to stay away. Not wanting to start a fight, Bev acquiesced, though he wasn't happy about it. So it was with some shock that he took in the news that Trevor was awake when Trevor's mother called. Arranging to meet there, Bev went straight in, hoping he was alright.

Bev arrived first, and made his way to Trevor's room. Seeing him lying there awake brought a happy smile to his face, and he went to his bedside immediately, taking his bandaged hand gently.

"Oh, God, you're awake. Your mum's on her way, too. How are you? Do you remember anything? We kinda lost you in the chaos," Bev said.

Trevor turned to look at him as much as he was able and smiled back. "Everything bloody hurts, and I can't move at all, but I'm still alive. They said you'd been sitting with me since I got here, yeah? That can't have been much fun."

Bev nodded. "I tried to stay home, but I just couldn't, not while you were lying here on your own. Do you know how long you'll be in, then?"

Trevor attemped to shrug against the pillow. "Dunno. Legs are pretty bad. Got crushed, apparently. I won't be walking for a long time, they reckon. I'm trying not to think about that."

"You can stay with me until you're properly healed, if you like. I'll take care of you if you need me to," Bev offered.

"Good, good. It'll be nice to have some company. Not sure my mum's up to it, though, but thanks." Trevor paused a moment. "I wish I could remember what happened. I just keep going over what happened, but it's all a blank, really. We went on stage, and then, nothing. It's all blank. Not sure I want to know what happened, either. I'm not sure I want to know how I got all these injuries."

"Well, like I said, we lost track of you. There was a riot, see? Something exploded and everyone panicked. Charlie, Roy, and I got out alright, but we didn't know where you were. Apparently they found you under a beam and some rubble. You're lucky you're still alive," Bev said.

"Er- did you say, explosion? Please don't say it was a bomb," Trevor said, voice soft and fearful.

Bev shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I haven't heard. But the place took some structural damage, so I'd say a bomb's not a bad guess. No one's said anything much, though. I think the official line is a gas pipe explosion. I don't think anyone wants to believe we were deliberately targeted, not like that. No one wants to believe someone hates us so much they'd bomb a concert. That would mean we might be worth protecting."

Trevor shivered. "Gas pipes. Sure. Y'know, I'd like them to come see my injuries. I'm not sure this is all from a bloody bomb, y'know."

"Why do you say that? Are you remembering more of what happened?" Bev said.

"No, just instinct, and knowing what it feels like to be beaten up. That's what this feels like, though why, I don't remember. Don't know who did it, don't know why, can't say anything about what happened. It's all blank," Trevor said. "I hope we're still getting paid for that gig. It's the least I deserve for putting up with this shit."

"I don't know. I haven't heard anything about that. I think it's become an argument about costs, given the venue did take some damage. We might not get anything, unless Tony can wrangle some compensation out of it. He said not to worry about it, though. I think he's going to try to get enough to tide us over for the next few months while you're out of commission. You can't play in the state you're in," Bev said.

Trevor frowned. "I know. I'm not looking forward to recovering from all this, that's for sure. I might not be up for playing gigs for six months, that's what the doc said. I feel awful about that. What an awful night. Was anyone else badly hurt?"

Bev nodded. "One poor kid died, got trampled in the rush. Many others took some serious injuries from the explosion and from trying to get out. Tony was the one organising everyone after he'd sent us away. He spent all night making sure people got to hospital, and he searched all over for you. He got you out. I haven't had time to catch up with the rest, though. Too busy worrying about you."

"And to think this is all because I snogged you in public where those pricks could see it," Trevor said with a sigh. "I mean, that's what all this is about, right? It's all them pricks who don't like us and want us dead. They're the ones coming after us. Are we ever going to be safe again?"

"I dunno, man. It's hard to say. Roy's frightened, and Charlie's doing his best to calm him down, but you know what he's like. This might be the end of us if Roy loses his nerve. Secunda's trying to work out what to do next. Y'know, how to respond. Do we toe the official line, or try to tell the truth? Well, what we think the truth is, at any rate. Apparently the cops took their sweet time getting there, too. It's just awful, really. It's all the papers can talk about. There's endless speculation and outrage, and not necessarily about the right things. I think we need to go to ground for a while to let all this blow over, but who knows if they'll have forgotten in a month or two?" Bev said.

"You know I'd vote for the truth. They might be able to get away with not protecting ordinary people, but surely they'd have more of an incentive to protect us. I know our fans will hate that if they think we were in any way let down by them. The ones that still like us, of course," Trevor said.

"There's still some camped outside in a park near the hospital. They were originally crowding the hospital grounds itself, but I managed to convince them to shift off so the hospital could still function. They're still there, keeping vigil for you. I've been collecting the flowers and cards and other gifts for you so they didn't accumulate. They're back at the flat," Bev said.

"Yeah, see, now that - that is doing my nut in. I mean, I appreciate the support, of course, but man, it's weird to think they're just out there, waiting for me. Doesn't that feel weird to you?" Trevor said.

Bev shrugged. "Not really. I like that they care. There has been a bit of trouble with some homophobic bastards, but those girls defended you brilliantly, I'll have you know. But it is very hard to win an argument against a horde of screaming girls whose idol you've just insulted."

Trevor couldn't help smiling at that. "That'd be right, causing trouble even though I'd been in a bloody coma. There weren't protests or anything, was there?"

"Small ones, sure, but this is London. They'd be bigger in Birmingham. It's really only the keenest of homophobes out there. You're sadly not popular enough to garner a week-long protest by a thousand religious nutters. I hope you're disappointed," Bev said.

"Oh, I'm gutted, though a little relieved. I hope someone's recording all this for posterity. If I'm going to be the first out gay pop star, I damn well want the children of the future to know my bloody name and what happened to me," Trevor said.

"I think your mother's doing a fine job of that, to be honest. She knows more about what's been going on than we do. At least she'll be able to tell you what happened when she gets here," Bev said.

Trevor suddenly looked a little pale. "Is she mad at all? Like, about coming out and all. I've hardly had a chance to talk to her since it all happened. Didn't feel brave enough to mention it when we were back home before the interview. I hope she's not going to disown me over it. God, that's the last thing I need. She'll be horrified, won't she? What the hell have I done?"

"No, don't worry, she's alright. She was livid when she found out what happened to you. I was given the honour of telling her what had happened at the gig. I tell you, she was down here the same day, waiting by your bedside. All I know is that she's never spoken a harsh word about it. She's supportive, I promise you that," Bev said.

Trevor tried to look relieved, but he was still worried. "I hope so. Man, I would be lost without her. She's all I've got left."

"I promise you, she's alright with it. I've talked to her enough to know that. She's just worried about you, which is understandable. I mean, you were badly injured, and if it was a bunch of homophobic pricks, well, that's even worse. I mean, even Secunda shat his pants when he found out. Worried about what it might mean, and whether the band could even continue, as well as whether you were still even alive. I heard from Charlie that he went back in once he'd sent us off and spent the next hour searching for you in the rubble," Bev said.

"God, really? Man, I don't even know what to say to that," Trevor said.

"Be impressed. He's sacrificed a lot for us. Rescuing you from a bomb site has never been in our contracts, but man, am I glad he did. No one else but a few other people were there looking for survivors. The cops didn't come till later once everyone had been rescued," Bev said.

"Pricks. I never did trust those pigs," Trevor scowled, scrunching his nose up in disgust.

"I don't know why you're surprised. They probably assumed it was a homophobic attack and didn't bother coming until they absolutely had to. Why would they come to investigate properly? They were probably glad they didn't have to do it themselves. You've seen how the London gay clubs are treated," Bev said.

"I have, that's why I expected nothing less from them. Man, one day, things will change, I'm sure of it. One day, I can go out there and not worry about a cop who's going to want to beat and arrest me as soon as he claps eyes on me. I'm a bloody citizen just like all those straight pricks. The cops are there to protect us. That's all I'm asking for. Anyone'd think I was asking for the Queen's head on a platter," Trevor said.

"Pressure's building, though. I'm sure we'll reach a critical point soon enough, and it'll all tip over. Once there are too many of us to ignore and too many to gaol and shut away in institutions, then maybe they'll take us seriously," Bev said.

"God, I hope you're right. I need to believe things will be better than they are now, or why keep on living? That's what keeps me going. That's why I cling to this. That's why I came out. Something has to change, and if I won't do it, well, who knows if anyone else will bother?" Trevor said.

Bev nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

* * *

 _October 1st, 1968_  
The card was handed to him by a nurse, who didn't say who had left it. Trevor had received plenty of cards, which did surprise him, given how unpopular he felt he was. He was better able to shift himself now, though it wasn't so easy with only one hand as he eased himself into a sitting position, turning his attention to the strange card.

Taking it out of the envelope that was ever so slightly too big, the card had been handmade, though by who, Trevor didn't know. It was made of plain card with a bluebird cut out of another card on the front and 'get well soon' scrawled in more cut-out silver letters. Inside, though, he discovered exactly who had sent it. He was pleasantly surprised as he recognised the handwriting.

"Ace. My God, it's been months," Trevor murmured. "I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again."

Trevor smiled as he read what Ace had written to him. It wasn't very long, and there wasn't much more than good wishes, but it was enough that he'd written at all.

_Hey Trev,_   
_I heard about what happened, yeah? Hope you're alright. I saw all those photos of you coming out of that place all bashed up. Man, I hope you're alright. I ain't coming to see you, because I just can't, but I still wanted to write you and let you know I heard about it, and I hope you get better. Man, fuck those bastards for what they did. Maybe one day we'll catch up properly, hey?_   
_Ace_

"Yeah, maybe we will, Ace," Trevor said, smiling as he re-read Ace's letter.

He was surprised and delighted that he had written at all. They'd parted ways in such a sudden fashion that Trevor felt they'd never really had a chance to say goodbye. They'd seen little of each other since, just here and there, without speaking. But Trevor was willing to respect Ace's decision if he didn't want to see him. Sometimes, things were better left alone.


	6. Chapter 6

_October 7th, 1968_  
Trevor was not entirely sure what he should be doing with himself as he lay in hospital, still trying to recover. His injuries were worse than he'd wanted to believe, and his broken legs and fractured ribs would take some time to heal. Trevor didn't mind not having anything to do in ordinary circumstances, but being stuck in hospital took all the fun out of it. While kicking back and getting stoned was probably one of his favourite pastimes, there was a sense of a choice about it. Left in hospital, he couldn't do anything.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. He tried to get taken down the corridor for a while to get a better look out the window at where he was. He couldn't take himself down there on his own, but the nurses were generally sympathetic about his inability to move. But it still didn't entirely kill the monotony of his surroundings. Hospitals were, by their very nature, not very exciting or stimulating places. The walls were all the same bloody shade of white, and the floors a grey speckled vinyl. The furniture offered nothing, either. Without his mother, and Bev, bringing in papers, magazines, books, anything at all, really, he was sure he'd have gone mad by now.

They were the only consistencies in his life. His mother would come in every morning, and Bev every afternoon. Between them, he had enough company. He hadn't seen Charlie and Roy, though, not since they'd both come in a day after he'd woken up. Bev didn't know why they stayed away, except that perhaps they wanted to give him space. But Trevor just felt he was being snubbed, particularly by Roy, who he felt was trying to avoid being seen with that queer band member. It wasn't easy to live with, but he let it go, mostly because he wasn't sure there was much he could do about it. It wasn't like he could force Roy to come in and see him.

He still didn't understand why Charlie stayed away, though. He didn't think he'd have any reason to avoid seeing him, but maybe Bev was right. Maybe Charlie and Roy just wanted to give Trevor some space, and there wasn't much else to it than that.

In the distance, as he lay there in bed, he could hear the girls waiting for him outside. They'd been there for two weeks now, and no one had been able to shift them. There were so many of them the cops couldn't arrest them at all, and even if they tried, they just came back again the next day. After a week of harassment, their presence was tolerated. It wasn't like they were causing any real problems. They just sat out there on this area of parkland, camped out in tents and such, keeping a vigil for Trevor. They'd light candles at night and pray for him. Sometimes, they'd sing hymns. There was a small shrine with thousands of flowers and tributes, and even if nothing had been done about the bombing of the arena, and no one had ever been held responsible for it, there was a small group who seemed to know what it was really about. They kept calling for justice, and an end to homophobia.

Trevor had heard about them from Bev when he'd gone out to see them, and Trevor had promised to go see them once he was let out. He appreciated all their efforts, of course, and it was weirdly touching to know so many cared enough to hang about for so long, making sure he was alright. It made the pain of what had happened lessen. Not everyone hated him for being gay. It was little comfort as he felt his ribs stab with pain.

* * *

It was with some reluctance that Bev took Trevor to a small room on their floor that looked out over the park where the girls were camped. It wasn't that Bev minded giving him a change of scenery, but it did take some effort to lift Trevor into a wheelchair without making his injuries worse. He was begining to regret offeirng to take care of him once he got out, as he'd have to deal with this all at home. It wasn't an impossible task, but it would require some serious rearranging, as well as negotiating the time off, assuming the two of them would still have a job when they got back home.

The room itself, once they got there, was a small room sometimes used for recreational activities, but Trevor liked it because of the view. Being stuck in the same room for so long, he needed to see the world again, just to remind him he was still alive. The room was empty, and they headed for the window. Trevor wasn't sure if anyone could even see him from there, but he didn't dare ask. Still, it was nice to see the girls, albeit from a distance, and appreciate just how large the camp was becoming.

"There sure are a lot of them, aren't there?" Trevor said.

Bev nodded. "I'm pretty sure you couldn't fit them all into the Marquee Club. I'm amazed at how many there are. I didn't think we still had that many fans."

"Well, apparently we do. How's it all back in Brum, anyway? Have you heard any news?" Trevor asked.

"It's not much different from here. I think your mum said there were a few small protests, but I don't think anyone saw the point of doing anything there. Certainly any fans there are probably all down here, or were at one point in time. Besides, it's hard to really get angry at that sort of tragedy. That one girl who died changed the way it was framed. We didn't bomb the place, someone else did, and someone died. It's awful, and yeah, there were still a few pieces saying it was all our fault, but it was better than the publicity we got after the kiss, that's for sure," Bev said.

"Hmm." Trevor drifted into silence, lost in thought. Bev was happy to let the silence sit for a while.

"Oh, I had a card from Ace. Did I tell you that yet? Arrived about a week ago," Trevor said.

"You heard from Ace? Did he come round to see you?" Bev said, surprised.

"Nah, just a card. Nurse gave it me. Weird that he'd come all the way here just to drop off a card, though," Trevor said.

Bev thought a moment. "Well, you said he was transitioning, right?"

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, he was. Just the hormones, but yeah. Why?"

"Well, the gender clinic's just down the road. I imagine he could easily have come by here on his way there, if he'd wanted to," Bev said.

It all suddenly made sense then. "Oh, shit, is that what you meant by Charing Cross? I thought you meant the other bloody side of London. Of course it makes sense if he was on his way there, if it's just down the road. How the fuck did I miss that connection? He used to tell me all the time that's where he was going. Weird to think he was really nearby, hey?"

Bev shrugged. "It's not like most people know the clinic even exists. They're very careful about being discreet. You'd hardly know the place if you walked past it without knowing what to look for. There's no obvious signage, just a plain door that looks like it leads to a store room or something. You'd seriously walk past it if you didn't know what it was. They actually give you a photo of the door when they refer you there so you know where to go. I thought it was seriously weird at first, but once you understand what they're doing, and why they're keen to keep it discrete, it makes sense enough. It's the only gender clinic in the UK. Every transsexual will go there if they are seeking treatment. Even I'm careful when I go there, because I'm more recognisable, and I don't want to be followed there. I usually go in drag, because no one will be looking for a woman if they're after me. It's not worth their lives to risk bringing attention to the place. The fewer people who know about it, the safer we are."

"It's really that dangerous for you, isn't it?" Trevor said. "I did wonder why you had women's clothes. I saw them last time I was at your place. Thought for a moment that you'd turned straight on me."

"Nah, it's not that. It's just what I need for the clinic. I had mum buy them for me so no one thought it was suspicious. I’m sure Ace is just as careful as I am. It's hard enough for ordinary people to access that place. But when you've got some fame behind you, and people recognise you in the street, I just can't risk bringing trouble to anyone there. I don't want them getting hurt because of me," Bev said.

"I dunno how careful Ace was. He'd never tell me where he was going, except to Charing Cross. Never really said why, either, except that it was about transition. I don't think he wanted me to know too much, or I'd tell someone, and his secret would be broken," Trevor said.

"Well, he was a paranoid fucker. What'd you really expect from him?" Bev said.

Trevor did concede his point. "He was pretty bloody paranoid, that's for sure. You'd never take me there, either, would you, though. I might give it away."

"Patients only, I'm afraid. I couldn't bring you anyway, even if I wanted to," Bev said.

"Would you ever let me meet any of them, though? Like at a club or something. I'd like to meet some of your friends," Trevor said.

"I'd have to ask. I'd say no if I thought it would jeopardise their privacy, though. We hide for a bloody good reason, and I won't put them in danger. I don't mean to exclude you, but you've really got no idea how hard it is for us to survive, and how few there are. The reason we even have a club of our own back in Brum is because we got kicked out of all the gay clubs. They didn't want us there. And, see, you and I, we're famous. We can't just slip into a non-descript club without someone, somewhere, noticing what we're doing. The threat of exposure and police raids is too great. I'm sorry. I'd love to introduce you, believe me I would, but I'm not sure it would be safe," Bev said.

"Yeah, I understand. It's alright. Maybe in a few years, it might be safer," Trevor said hopefully.

Bev wasn't entirely convinced of that. It might take more than a few years before he felt it might be safe to introduce Trevor to his friends. Many did not trust gay men, or felt they were treacherous. Bringing one into their space would be a very bad move on Bev's part, and he was unwilling to upset his friends and jeopardise their small community.

* * *

_October 17th, 1968_  
"Hey, I'm going to see Trevor again. You wanna come? You haven't been for weeks. He misses you," Bev said as he found Roy curled up on a sofa reading.

Roy shrugged. "He wouldn't want me there. You go."

"He's been asking me all week to get you to come visit. He wants to see you. He thinks you're avoiding him," Bev said.

"Of course he thinks that," Roy said, unconcerned.

"Does that mean it's true, then? What are you gaining from leaving him alone? He wants to see you," Bev said.

Roy shifted awkwardly. "Look, I just don't want to get in his way."

"You won't be. It's just a visit. I'm not asking you to hang around all week. Just come see him. He's doing much better now, too. You do care about him, don't you?" Bev said.

"Maybe," Roy said, unsure. "I just - you said there were all those girls there. No one's going to hurt us, are they, if we go there?"

"No one will hurt us, I promise. The girls are keeping vigil for Trev, like I told you before. They're alright, and the cops are, for once, keeping anyone else away, so you won't find any bigots waiting there for us, alright?" Bev said. "Come on, come and see him. He misses you."

Roy remained silent for a moment, before agreeing. "Alright. But if anything happens, I'm blaming you, alright? I just - I'm scared to go out there. It's not avoiding him, I'm just scared for my own safety. I mean, you saw how they managed to make me out to be some sort of queer too, asking whether I'm going to come out too."

"But you are queer. And I know you're not interesting in coming out, but man, Roy, grow some balls," Bev said. "One of the things I've always admired about you is how you do your own thing, whether anyone cares or not. I don't like seeing you rattled like this."

"Bev, someone bombed the club to get at us. To get at Trev. They actually bombed us. Can't I be justifiably worried for once?" Roy said as he got to his feet.

"Yeah, I know. I do understand. But staying inside isn't going to make things better. Just come out, just for a while. I'll take you out for a drink later, I promise," Bev said.

"I don't need the drink, but alright. Sure," Roy said, finding his courage.

* * *

Roy wasn't really prepared for seeing Trevor again. He had half expected he'd still look as beaten up as he'd looked a few weeks earlier, but apart from some slight bruising and the bandages, he looked much better. Roy was still shocked, though, particularly because he could now see the nasty stitched wound on his neck. The sight didn't last long, though, as the nurse dressing his wounds bandaged it. Once she'd finished, she let them approach.

"See, I managed to coax him round at last. I hope you're happy, Trev," Bev said, cheerfully, as he brought Roy over to see him.

"Hey, you did it! Nice to see you again, Woody. It's been too long, man. I was beginning to think you'd buggered off back home without me," Trevor said.

Roy greeted him shyly. "Yeah, well, I thought about it. Been scared, though. Like, because of what happened. I'm afraid I'm an easy target now."

Trevor reached for his hand and Roy shifted a little closer, letting him make contact. "Don't you dare be afraid, Roy. They didn't kill me. I'm not so easy to destroy."

Roy did his best not to look frightened, but didn't quite manage it. "But you're safe in here, for now. What happens when we leave and take you home? What happens when we're out there unprotected?"

Trevor shrugged. "We can't control everyone, Roy. If they're going to be pricks about it, that's not something I can do much about."

"I wouldn't worry, either. We've got Wilf on our side. If there's anyone we need scared off, he'll do it, right? Just like he's always done," Bev said.

Roy shook his head in disbelief and pulled away from Trevor. "I can't believe you two aren't worried. Someone just tried to kill us. I'm sure that was their aim. Wilf can't protect us from that."

"I don't think they were trying to kill us, actually. I mean, it'd have been a much larger explosion if they'd been trying for murder. We just got chaos and a chance for whoever did it to go after Trevor. Not as many people were injured as you might think, Roy, and the club itself didn't sustain any lasting damage. It wasn't a proper bomb or anything. I mean, who'd want to actually bomb us? It felt more like an opportunistic prank, rather than full-blown murder," Bev said.

"It was a bomb, Bev. I'm telling you, someone was trying to kill us because we're queer. I don't think we should ever perform again. I'm too scared they'll try again, given how successful their attack was," Roy said.

"Nah, I doubt they'll try again. They were just trying to hurt me. Why would they attack again? They might've also been trying to scare the girls off, to make them scared to come and see us, and we'll just fade into obscurity. Destroy our careers, like," Trevor said.

"Don't talk like that. I don't want to think about it," Roy said, clamping his hands over his ears.

Bev brought him close, trying to comfort him. "Look, I don't want anything to happen again, either, but we've got to be careful anyway. I want to think we'll be fine, but maybe you're right. Maybe we should be more careful. I'd worry less if I knew we could trust the cops with this, but they won't protect us, no way. We're on our own, and that's what frightens me the most."

Roy shivered against Bev's body. "I told you I was frightened. This is why I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to get hurt."

"You're not doing yourself any favours by sitting inside reading all day, though. Are you really going to let those pricks win?" Bev said.

"They bombed us, Bev. I think I deserve the right to be cautious," Roy murmured.

* * *

They didn't stay much longer. Roy wanted to get home where he felt safe, as he was becoming too anxious about everything the longer they stayed there. Neither were expecting the small crowd that had somehow turned up as they left, though. They'd gone in another entrance and hadn't seen them there. They weren't necessarily trying to attack them, as the cops were holding them back, but the taunts they yelled at Roy made him shake with fear as Bev got him back to the car as quickly as possible.

* * *

"Why do they hate us, Bev? What makes them do that?" Roy asked once they were back home.

Bev shrugged. "They're idiots? I mean, what more of an explanation do you need?"

"I guess I just don't understand why they hate us," Roy said.

"We're deviants. I mean, we're not really. We're just normal blokes. It's not our problem if they don't like who we sleep with. That's none of their business," Bev said

"That doesn't really help," Roy said.

Bev shrugged. "What do you want me to say? I don't know, alright? They clearly feel threatened by us, but it seems to be pretty irrational. We're different, and sometimes, that's all anyone ever needs to hate someone else."

Roy shrugged, and Bev wasn't sure anything he said would be acceptable.

"Are you going to sulk all evening, then?" Bev asked.

Roy got to his feet and left, heading upstairs. Unwilling to argue, Bev went out the back, happy to leave him alone. He needed to get away again, but while Trevor was still in hospital, Bev was unwilling to leave his side. He would just have to try to get on with Roy a little longer.

* * *

_October 23rd, 1968_  
Trevor was glad to be finally getting out of hospital. He was tired of being in a bed, and not being able to see the sky very much. His body still ached in various places, but it was forgettable by now. He was still stuck in a wheelchair, though, but at least he would have better scenery once he was home. He'd decided to stay with Bev, and hope he was back on his feet soon enough.

He was glad he had a room to himself, though. It made packing to go much easier. It wasn't that Trevor had anything to hide, but he just didn't want the hassle. He still had four bunches of flowers to take home, and while he had half thought about going to thank all the girls outside, he wasn't sure he wouldn't be mobbed if he tried. Groups of girls could get very silly like that if no one was there to restrain them, and no one generally was brave enough to try.

Bev and Roy arrived a little after nine, and Trevor greeted them all warmly. Even Roy managed to look pleased to see him, hugging him back. Carl was waiting in the car outside.

"I am so glad to be getting out of this bloody place. I've been so bored, I swear," Trevor said.

"Well, we'd better not waste any more time here, then. You all packed?" Bev said.

Trevor gestured over his shoulder. "I'll need your help with the flowers, but yeah. I'm ready to meet the screaming horde of girls. I'm assuming they're out there waiting, yeah?"

Bev nodded. "I didn't think it was fair not to tell them you were being discharged today, given how long they've been there. You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to, though. There are a lot of them, and they are rather excitable."

"Just what I need, hey? Well, might as well go before we get thrown out, hey?" Trevor said, picking up his bag. "Grab some flowers, and let's get going."

Armed with a bunch of flowers each, they headed down to the lobby. Bev was on wheelchair duties, and he was hoping the cops would actually hold the crowd back long enough to let them get through. He didn't fancy their chances of pushing through unscathed without them. Bev was half afraid they would get eaten alive if they tried.

They could hear the girls before they saw them, and Trevor did look a little hesitant as they reached the lobby, now that he could see just how many there were standing just shy of the road. They filled the street, blocking traffic, and the police were there to keep everyone in something resembling civic order as they tried to clear a path through to the car waiting for them. The cheering just got louder as they saw them standing inside, waiting to come out.

"No way is that all of them. Were there really that many of them camped out in the park? Really?" Trevor said, incredulous.

Bev shrugged. "More or less, yeah, that's about how many there were. I never counted them, but I haven't seen it significantly smaller than that. Chin up, Trev. Not everyone gets that many people coming to greet them when they get out of hospital."

"Are you sure we should go out there? I'm sure they'll tear us apart," Roy said, trying not to look too frightened by the crowd.

"Oh, come on, Roy. I ain't gonna deprive 'em after they've been keeping vigil for me for so long. That'd just be mean. Nah, buck up, lads, we're going in," Trevor said, summoning all his courage as he walked towards the front doors.

The barrage of sound was even louder on the other side of the doors, and the girls swarmed forward after them. It gave them pause for thought as they stopped outside the door. The path through was threatening to close, but the police were doing a decent job of it, for once. Bev was silently thankful they were there. It would make things easier. They paused a moment to make sure nothing was liable to be grabbed or dropped before heading into the crowd.

The noise as they passed was deafening, and Trevor tried hard to keep hold of everything as they made their way through as quickly as they could. It didn't help that anyone he passed seemed intent to give him something, and by the time they had made their way through to the car, Trevor had several more bunches of flowers, several teddy bears, and a few other things he hadn't quite had time to look at yet.

In a way, Trevor felt bad for not stopping to say thanks, but there were too many of them, and they didn't look like they were willing to stop and listen. There was just enough time to get Trevor safely in the car, and the chair stowed in the boot, and without further delay, Carl drove them off as the police cleared a way for them.

Trevor couldn't help looking back at them as they ran down the street after them. "I mean, I'm glad they were there an' all, but man, I'd rather not get torn to shreds just as I'm leaving hospital. I thought you said you'd told 'em to keep back, Bev?"

"I did. I didn't expect them to really obey me, though. Mobs of girls are impossible to control. It would've been worse if the cops hadn't been there to hold them back, though," Bev replied.

"I wish you'd told me there was gonna be a mob like that. I'd have stayed in the car," Roy muttered as he curled up in the back seat, trying to recover.

"You should've expected it, man. What'd you think was going to happen? At least we're away now. Nothing to do but get our shit and go the fuck back home. I am so tired of London," Bev said.

"Yeah, I hear you. Are we still on a break, though? Like, I won't have to go back and rehearse for the next month, do I?" Trevor said.

"Sorry, mate. Got gigs in Manchester next week. Can't be helped. I mean, he understands you're not up for playing gigs, though, but he won't let me off, though. I might have to leave you with your mum after all, at least until I get back," Bev said.

"He's a bloody nuisance, he is. Alright, alright. You go play. I'm really not up for it yet. Body's still sore as fuck. I can't even walk, yet," Trevor said, wincing as he thought of how much his shoulders might ache once he picked up his guitar again.

"Stop whingeing. You're lucky you've still got a gig," Bev said.

Trevor brushed him off. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just drive us home, will you, Charlie?"

"Coming right up. Just don't whinge all the way back home, or I'll leave you in the canal," Carl said with a smile.

* * *

They stopped back at the flat to gather the last of their belongings, and to sort through the collection of gifts Trevor had acquired since he'd been in hospital. Camped downstairs, Bev brought them all down for him, laying them all over the sitting room. Trevor was rather amazed at just how many there were, though many of the flowers had been thrown out by now. There were many, many cards and letters, several teddy bears and love hearts, and a not insignificant collection of chocolates that had managed to survive a month without being eaten. Many had also sent their tickets from the show with messages of support on the back or with letters, a show of just how many had been there that night who were standing with him. There was also a card and letter of support from several gay clubs in London, and that, more than anything else, was the weirdest and most touching thing he'd been given. Having them all laid out in front of him made him realise just how much support he'd had, and that still didn't sit right with him.

"Is that everything?" Trevor asked, incredulous.

"Pretty much, yeah, except for the flowers I had to toss. I hope you don't mind, but I thought you'd rather not have to deal with a thousand dead flowers," Bev said.

"That is so weird. What did I do to deserve all this?" Trevor said. "These people are all strangers. Why do they care? I just don't get it."

Bev shrugged. "A strange quirk of humanity, perhaps. God knows we need more of that in the world every now and then. You going to take them all back home, then?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Maybe it'll sink in eventually. I dunno. Should I keep the flowers, though? I never know what to do with flowers," Trevor said.

"I think you're meant to give them to girls, but well, that seems a little redundant. I'm not sure they'll survive the trip back, though," Bev said.

"Maybe we should toss 'em, then. I mean, they're nice and all, but man, flowers," Trevor said.

"It's up to you, really. I just doubt we'll get 'em back still looking alright, or I'd suggest giving them to your mum," Bev said.

"Yeah. I think we'll toss the flowers. Maybe keep the cards in 'em, though. Least then I can store them away with the rest of this stuff. I'm assuming the chocolates will be eaten on the way home, yeah?" Trevor said.

"Probably, or after we get home. There are a lot, though. Maybe leave some here for Tony. It's the least we can do for putting up with us for so long. I'm sure he'll be pleased to see the back of us for a while," Bev said.

"I just want my own bloody bed. Is that too much to ask, y'know?" Trevor said. "But he can have some of the chocolates, and maybe the flowers, too. Then at least, they'll look pretty here for a while. What'd you think of that?"

"Sure. Sounds good to me."

Bev grabbed a spare suitcase Trevor's mother had brought down a week ago and began packing everything. The chocolates were argued over at length as they tried to decide whether it was too greedy to keep the best chocolates for themselves, or offer them to their manager. In the end, they split it in half, keeping some good chocolate for themselves, while also leaving some for Tony. Bev ran them downstairs and left them in the fridge with a note. He also left the flowers in a bucket of water in the sink, unsure what else to do with them. He might've been a girl for the first ten years of his life, but that didn't mean he knew how to arrange flowers. He wasn't sure Tony even had vases, anyway.

They spent another hour tidying their rooms and gathering up anything else they'd left lying around. Carl insisted on it, not wanting to leave the flat in a state of disrepair. Once Carl was satisfied they'd done enough, for now, and the flat looked habitable again, a note was left for Tony, letting him know they had Trevor and were heading home, and that they'd see him later. Then, all that was left to do was pack the car and leave.

* * *

_Birmingham, October 24th, 1968_  
It was, on the whole, an uneventful drive back to Birmingham. Roy slept in the back seat, as he usually did. Trevor was quiet, sitting as well as he could, given his body had not exactly appreciated everything he'd done that day. The jolts to his body were not very great, but they were enough to make him ache. His back ached, and his ribs ached, and his legs ached, and his hand ached, and he just sat there, hoping the pain would soon go away. His right hand was still stiff and sore. He had exercises he was meant to do to help rebuild the muscle, but Trevor was afraid it might be a long time before he could play properly again. He'd lost a lot of dexterity, and he needed that to play bass properly. He didn't care about his legs; he could play bass without them if he absolutely had to. His hand, however, was more important. He spent a good half an hour trying to work out what he'd do if he couldn't play in a band, and couldn't use his right hand. He saw nothing but a bleak future ahead of him, living with disability and poverty. He spent the rest of the journey doing his exercises, trying to make his hand work properly again.

Bev had invited Trevor to stay with him, and Trevor wasn't willing to turn him down. They were dropped off, and Bev carried their things inside once Trevor was settled in the front room. With a promise to be at Carl's in a couple of days to rehearse, they were left on their own.

Bev made some tea, and they sat in the front room, feeling like they finally had a moment to deal with everything that had happened over the past two months. Neither spoke for a long time, just drinking in the silence and stillness around them. Trevor was happy to be on the sofa, with his legs resting on the coffee table. He was still sitting, but at least he knew he didn't have to move from there for a long time.

"You'll be alright, yeah? For the gigs?" Bev asked after a while, glancing over at him.

Trevor shrugged, uncertain. "In a couple of months, I hope. I'd need to get my bass out and see how I do. I'm not sure my wrist will cope with it. Depends on how the cast likes it."

"You know Carl's been asked to scout out a new bassist for the next few months, yeah? Just while you finish recovering. I thought I'd tell you now before you rock up and find someone else there in your place," Bev said.

Trevor sighed. "I was afraid that might happen. I'm not really surprised. I'm not sure I can play, not yet. I could do them if I knew I could play, even if I couldn't walk, but I don't know how well I'll do with that yet. I'll still like to come with you, though. I ain't staying here on my own while you go off playing gigs all over the place. You'll need me."

"I'd rather leave you with your mother, at least for now. You need to rest. Being carted all over the country won't help. I'd rather make sure you were cared for by someone who can be there for you, rather than try to rely on me. I'll be too tired. You might be able to play in a few weeks with that if you practice enough, though," Bev said.

"Yeah, I was thinking of doing that, yeah. Stupid bloody legs. I wish I could walk. Maybe I'd feel less useless if I could walk. I could at least go with you. But you're right. It's been hard enough just travelling home. Going on tour probably isn't a good idea just yet. Just come home soon, yeah? I'll miss you," Trevor said.

"I'll miss you too. I'll try to call home when I can, yeah? I'm sure you'll be fine, but I bet it's a pain right now," Bev said.

"Yeah, it really is. I hope you don't mind me crashing, least for a while. I'd rather have you with me as I get used to this, but I"m sure mum won't mind. It's not like I can really take care of myself right now," Trevor said.

Bev didn't mind at all. "Whatever you need, man."

* * *

_October 26th, 1968_  
Trevor was feeling a little nervous as he and Bev arrived at Carl's house mid-morning. Bev almost hadn't let him come, but he'd insisted he wanted to be there to see who his replacement was going to be, so he'd be sure he'd be alright. He'd also brought his bass, because he wanted to try playing it. He needed to know he could still do it, even if he had to sit in his chair the whole time. How well he coped with it would determine how soon he felt he might be able to get back into playing gigs. He felt he'd make a decision based on how well he lasted during rehearsals today. As they entered the garage, Carl went to greet him, bringing another man over to greet them. Trevor was half sure he knew him from somewhere, but his name escaped him.

"I thought I had a gig, Charlie. Who's this, then?" Trevor said, doing his best to be friendly.

"You remember Rick Price, don't you? I just thought it'd be good to have a second bassist for a while until you know you can play again. That alright with you?" Carl said.

Trevor nodded, and showed them his hand still stuck in a cast. "Still needs some support, but thanks. I don't want you guys to miss out on playing shows because of my bloody wrist."

"Your broken wrist isn't your fault. Just concentrate on getting back to your best again," Carl said.

"It was a broken hand, actually. I reckon some bastard trod on it. But me wrist's still weak. I think I could play a little with it strapped up, but probably not a whole show, not unless I want to be in more pain afterwards," Trevor said.

"Look, play along as much as you can today if you must, but don't kill yourself doing it, alright? We've got Rick to cover us for now, but I want you back playing gigs as soon as you can," Carl said.

"Yeah, that's what I'm aiming for. It's not really that bad, like, it's not really that painful, but the muscles are weak, and I ain't played for over a month, and it all just bloody hurts now. But I'll keep at it, because man, if I can't play, I'd rather be dead," Trevor said. "Now, what're we gonna start with?"

"We can't start til Roy's here. You lot might as well be useful and help me bring the kit in, yeah? It'll be much quicker if we all grab something. You know Woody won't turn up til noon, anyway. It'll give me time to tune 'em up just the way I like 'em," Bev said, enjoying the chance to not carry his drums in all on his own.

"Well, since you asked so nicely, Bev. Come on, let's go get this over with and get started," Carl said.

They didn't get started once Bev had his drums set up. Roy was still absent, and Carl's mother had brought some tea in for them, giving them a reason to sit down for a moment. Roy did eventually turn up just before noon with three guitars, muttering something about a song he was writing by way of an excuse as he went to set up with the rest of the band.

"Nice of you to join us at last," Carl said pointedly.

"Where're we starting, then? Grass?" Roy asked as he tuned up.

"Yeah, just work through the set list, start to finish. We haven't rehearsed enough since the festival, and I don't want us to put on a shoddy show," Carl said.

Roy nodded, acknowledging his words, and once he was ready, they began to play. Trevor wasn't uxed to playing with the bass lying on his knees, but it was all he could do until he could stand up properly again. He was doing his best to keep up, trying to move his hand as little as possible as he played. It might take him a while to get used to playing that way, but with some persistence, once he found his rhythm, he managed to cope quite well, particularly given how complicated Roy's bass lines tended to be. If he wasn't already used to playing them, he was sure he'd have given up. It might not be sustainable in the long term, and he didn't want to play like that forever, but it might be enough to ease him back into playing until his wrist was strong enough to play properly without the brace. He smiled all the way home, knowing he was not out of a gig just yet. He'd come back, the band would come back, and they'd bring the bloody roof down in every venue across the UK.


End file.
